


i'll tell you all about it (when i see you again)

by Angel_Demon_Princess



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Dreamies are kinda mean in the beginning, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Na Jaemin-centric, Sad Na Jaemin, Texting, Things will get better, asap, author also sucks at planning, author likes to talk in the comments, bc my favorite boy is sad for a long time, but for happiness?, but the fluff comes later, but the others show up a lot, if that makes sense, its also like slow burn, its dreamie centric, like i really need to edit it, maybe ill add actual relationships later, nct is a family, so this is also all over the place, that fights a lot, they don't mean to be though, this is so shitty tho
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2019-10-27 22:38:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17775530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angel_Demon_Princess/pseuds/Angel_Demon_Princess
Summary: Jaemin was hurting. His back was on fire after a long dance practice, his head hurt from lack of sleep, and his chest hurt from being ignored. He understood that his members had created new memories, but was it so bad to want to be included now that he was back?-Basically, our little Nana comes back from his injury, but everyone's used to him being gone so they kind of ignore him.





	1. screaming into the abyss: why can’t i get 368 kazoos

**Author's Note:**

> oof, so a couple things....
> 
> this is my first fic for nct but i have so many ideas!! i might start writing a lot for them, depending on wether or not you guys like this fic! :)
> 
> please enjoy reading it!
> 
> -
> 
> screen names for "i only dream in gay"
> 
> long ass ride - mark  
> *screaming into the abyss* - chenle  
> sunbun - haechan  
> dancing queen (young not sweet) - jisung  
> smol and ready to fite - renjun  
> lee jennie - jeno
> 
> screen names for "nemo can't talk (nct)"
> 
> bald - taeyong  
> jeffry - jaehyun  
> banana - johnny  
> supreme gay - ten  
> anime - yuta  
> gramps - taeil  
> bugs bunny - doyoung  
> kun - kun  
> dolphin - chenle  
> angry - renjun  
> baby - jisung  
> jeno - jeno  
> moose - mark  
> sunny side up please - haechan  
> a real one - winwin  
> 95% legs - lucas  
> nananana - jaemin

 

 

**i only dream in gay**

**[ 7 members ]**

 

**long ass ride:** that’s the dumbest thing i've heard in my entire life

 

**dancing queen (young not sweet):** you’ve clearly never heard yourself talk… 

 

**screaming into the abyss:** what’s so dumb about it?? it’s not like i suggested we buy an entire truck of them??

 

**long ass ride:** shut your fuck, park jisung

 

**long ass ride:** why?? would you even need that many kazoos??

 

**smol and ready to fite:** to play music?? we’re a idol group?? that needs to make music in order to support our families??

 

**long ass ride:** first of all, we are NOT making a song using kazoos

 

**long ass ride:** second all, chenle is literally richer than all of us, there’s no need for him to “support his family”

 

**dancing queen (young not sweet)::** how DARE you say that mark lee

 

**dancing queen (young not sweet)::** don’t you know how hard he works

 

**dancing queen (young not sweet)::** how hard we all work

 

**long ass ride:** we don’t?? need that many kazoos??

 

**sunbun:** that’s homophobic

 

**long ass ride:** what

 

**sunbun:** you’re refusing to let chenle do something he wants to do

 

**sunbun:** and he’s gay

 

**long ass ride:** i’m?? gay?? too??

 

**screaming into the abyss:** i’m gonna go cry to tae-hyung

 

**screaming into the abyss:** or maybe johnny-hyung… they’re gonna beat your ass for bullying me

 

**lee jennie:** LANGUAGE

 

**smol and ready to fite:** let him swear asshole

 

**lee jennie:** renjun you’re older than him! teach him responsibility!

 

**smol and ready to fite:** swearing never killed nobody

 

**lee jennie:** we literally have a cute concept to keep up with

 

**lee jennie:** what would nctzens say if they knew you swore like this

 

**smol and ready to fite:** they wouldn’t give a fuck

 

**lee jennie:** WRONG

 

**sunbun:** ladies, ladies you’re both beautiful

 

**long ass ride:** awwww, trouble in paradise?

 

**screaming into the abyss:** alright, let’s get back on topic!

 

**screaming into the abyss:** why can’t i get 368 kazoos

  
  


 

Jaemin’s fingers hovered over the keyboard, erasing message after message before it was sent. He didn’t know why it was so hard for him to send a simple text, even something short.

 

Normally, he would be sending thousands of messages, full of shitty jokes or encouraging words. He’d respond within seconds if someone wanted to talk, no matter what time it was.

 

However, ever since he left because of his injury, he couldn’t seem to think of what to write. Spending so much time away made him feel like a stranger in his own group, something he thought would change quickly. 

 

Jaemin hoped that someone would notice, that they might make a joke or help catch him up on all the gossip that he had missed. Instead, it’s been almost six months since he’s returned, and he still didn’t know why they laughed when Chenle grabbed the cereal in the morning or when Renjun said his “ham” hurt. What even is a “ham”? 

 

He was also too scared to bring it up, worrying that they might think he was being clingy or annoying. After all, from what he had watched of their time without him, they all seemed happy. They all joked around and it didn’t look like they need him. 

 

Now, because he didn’t bring the problem up, he was stuck in a group of his best friends, and no one seemed to notice that he was acting completely unlike himself.

 

It raised a lot of doubts and insecurities in his mind, ones that were hidden for a long time. 

 

Was it always like this? Were they not saying anything because they were glad that he was no longer blabbering about something? Had his stupid ramblings always annoyed them? 

 

Jaemin shook his head quickly, trying to get rid of the intrusive thoughts.

 

They liked him, they were friends with him. There’s no reason for them not to care about him or for them to be annoyed by him.

 

No one got annoyed when Chenle screamed all over the dorm, or when Jeno spilled milk everywhere. No one was mad when Mark started snapping at everyone because he was tired, or when Renjun was prickly and mean because he was homesick. Why should they be different towards him?

 

It must be his imagination. It’s just the fact that he’s returning after such a long break. There’s bound to be a messy period of readjustment, right?

 

-

 

**nemo can’t talk (nct)**

**[ 17 members ]**

 

**jeffry:** @yuta, don’t forget about the practice today again

 

**anime:** fuck you jaehyun i overslept last time

 

**anime:** it was an accident!

 

**bald:** LANGUAGE THERE ARE CHILDREN PRESENT

 

**supreme gay:** don’t make mommy mad 

 

**banana:** heck

 

**bald:** you’re on thin fucking ice

 

**bald:** oh no

 

**banana:** AHHAHHAHAHA

 

**bugs bunny:** @taeyong you’re so smart :)

 

**supreme gay:** aww the bunny has claws

 

**bugs bunny:** fuck you ten at least i can reach the top shelf

 

**moose:** y’all are a headache and a half

 

**moose:** oh no

 

**sunny side up please:** y’all

 

**bald:** y’all

 

**gramps:** y’all

 

**supreme gay:** y’all

 

**banana:** y’all

 

**jeffry:** and dare i say it,

 

**jeffry:** yeehaw

 

**a real one:** please send me home

 

**kun:** take me with you

 

**angry:** if you leave me here, i’ll kill them all

 

**baby:** management will kill you then @renjun

 

**angry:** first of fucking all, that’s hyung to you brat

 

**angry:** second fucking all, i’d like to see them try

 

**bald:** DON’T SWEAR AT THE BABY

 

**baby:** I’M NOT A BABY HYUNG

 

**dolphin:** jisungie, wanna go get some banana milk? 

 

**supreme gay:** NO FRUIT

 

**baby:** chenle, we’re grown men

 

**banana:** eat your fucking fruit Ten

 

**baby:** we have to act like it

 

**dolphin:** :(

 

**supreme gay:** choke @johnny

 

**gramps:** woah, woah, woah

 

**gramps:** let’s get back on track

 

**gramps:** jaehyun, what was your question?

 

**jeffry:** i don’t have a question, hyung? what do you mean?

 

**supreme gay:** LMAO YOU’RE DUMB AS FUCK

 

**bald:** we’re getting a fucking swear jar

 

**gramps:** guys, please

 

**moose:** taeyong-hyung!

 

**banana:** what a hypocrite 

 

**angry:** HEY IDIOTS

  
  
**angry:** I WILL KICK YOU ALL OUT OF THIS GROUP IF YOU DON’T ANSWER TAEIL-HYUNG’S QUESTION

 

**supreme gay:** who the FUCK are you calling an idiot you short ass stack of shit???

 

**angry has kicked supreme gay out of “nemo can’t talk (nct)”**

 

**moose:** jesus, renjun

 

**sunny side up please:** add him back

 

**banana:** do we have to 

 

**bald:** YES

 

**jeno has added supreme gay to “nemo can’t talk (nct)”**

 

**supreme gay:** WHAT THE FUCK

 

**gramps:** guys

 

**baby:** @chenle we should kick mark out of our group chat

 

**moose:** i breathed

 

**baby:** maybe you shouldn’t

 

**baby:** it’s offensive

 

**moose:** ???????

 

**bald:** HEY

 

**jeffry:** WHAT

  
  
**bald:** i swear to jesus, jaehyun

 

**banana:** wow, god’s son

 

**gramps:** guys

 

**bald:** i’m about to throw your ds out the window @johnny if you don’t stop

 

**supreme gay:** throw it throw it throw it throw it

 

**a real one:** LISTEN TO TAEIL-HYUNG

 

**supreme gay:** stop yelling asshole

 

**moose:** go ahead hyung

 

**gramps:** okie dokie

 

**gramps:** rt if you’re ready to go to practice

 

**gramps:** it’s in 30 mins guys!

 

**bugs bunny:** rt

 

**supreme gay:** rt

 

**supreme gay:** and look who showed up all of a sudden… 

 

**baby:** rt

 

**dolphin:** rt

 

**bald:** rt

 

**jeffry:** rt

 

**banana:** why are we rt-ing… that’s so dumb

 

**supreme gay:** just do it asshole

 

**banana:** ugh, rt

 

**angry:** rt

 

**kun:** i am!

 

**anime:** rt

 

**a real one:** ge, you know you can just say rt, right?

 

**a real one:** rt

 

**moose:** rt like it’s 2016 twitter

 

**sunny side up please:** wow you’re so funny

 

**sunny side up please:** rt

 

**jeno:** rt for me too taeil-hyung

 

**95% legs:** rt for me and jungwoo!

 

**supreme gay:** that’s whipped bf culture right there

 

**gramps:** that’s still only 17 responses?

 

**gramps:** who didn’t answer??

 

**jeno:** OH MY GOD

 

**angry:** WHAT

 

**jeno:** WE FUCKING FORGOT TO ADD JAEMIN

 

**dolphin:** shit

 

**bald:** LANGUAGE

 

**moose:** HYUNG WE FORGOT TO ADD JAEMIN I THINK WE CAN CURSE IN THIS SITUATION

 

**jeffry:** HOW DID YOU FUCKING FORGET TO ADD HIM

 

**banana:** HOW DID YOU

 

**bald:** NO ONE’S ADDED HIM YET???

 

**supreme gay:** i got this

 

**supreme gay has added nananana to “nemo can’t talk (nct)”**

  
**nananana:** what’s this?

 

 


	2. long ass ride: let me sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so idk how this one turned out?? i might edit it later or even delete it... enjoy it while it lasts lol! xx
> 
> (( jaemin does a lot of thinking and we watch an episode of "catching up with the dreamies" ))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i tried to post quickly, so this might all be horrible! i'll edit it later, so some things might change... i guess you'll have to re-read it if you wanna know the difference ;)
> 
> enjoy! xx
> 
> ((((( there might be some language some people might not like?? i don't think it's too bad, but just be warned )))))

 

There was a cool wind blowing through the window, making the curtains flutter and dance in the moonlight. The clock was ticking, a quiet noise that seemed deafening in the silent room. Soft puffs of breath came from a mess of blankets on the other bed.

 

Jaemin sighed, turning restlessly in his covers. He stared into the darkness above him, watching as the shadows flickered when the curtain danced in front of the moonlight. Everything was quiet, so quiet, but his mind was screaming.

All he could think about was earlier that day, when he had been added to a group chat with all the members of NCT. He was confused at first, wondering if they had just formed it or something. Unfortunately, that was quickly revealed to not be the case.

 

They forgot about him. They didn’t even notice he was missing.

 

Jaemin didn't know how to feel about it - should he feel happy they finally remembered him? Should he feel sad it took so long for them to realize? Did someone realize earlier and just not care enough to add him?

 

He wished they had never added him - maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much then.

 

After all, did they just forget to add him? How do you forget to add someone, who's a member of your group, who you see every day, to a group chat for your group?

 

The members, specifically the older members, had started falling over themselves trying to apologize, making his phone blow up with messages. The Dreamiest weren't as vocal, only offering a short apology or a joke to soften the blow. 

 

Jaemin hadn't responded for a few minutes, trying to calm down and will the tears away before they fell. He had to think about his response, had to consider the implications of him getting mad. After all, he didn't really have a right to, did he?

 

They didn't forget about him because they didn't care, it's just because they hadn't been together for so long, they got used to living without him. They were trying to readjust, trying to bring him into conversations or remember that he wasn't just a blank space in the choreo. 

 

It was just difficult, living in a house with people you thought you knew. They had all changed, in small but significant ways. Chenle was much more confident in his Korean, he didn't need Jaemin there to act as a buffer anymore. Mark was so busy, always tired, but in a more determined way - he had grown into a confident leader who was so much more comfortable in his own skin. Jisung, in the few months he was gone, had shot up so quickly that he was now taller than Jaemin, no longer a small baby jumping around his hyungs. 

 

Of course, Jaemin had changed as well during that time. He was no longer as loud, as comfortable with them in the dorms. He did his best to act the same on broadcast, if only to make sure nctzens didn't worry, but he wasn't as ready to cuddle at night time. He wasn't as good at dancing, often needing to put in extra hours to master a dance which the others learned within two or three. 

 

He felt like he missed something important, some grand event that made them mature, made them grow into capable idols that could stand by their hyungs and produce music that everyone loved.

 

They seemed like they were on the other side of the glass, like he was on the outside looking in. And it was expected, because they had worked together for a long time after he had to go. They made good music together and filled the gaps in quickly. There was no need for Jaemin to be there because Mark and Jeno could take over rapping, Haechan and Renjun were perfect with their vocals, and Chenle and Jisung were great at dancing and acting cute for the fans. Jaemin just seemed to be an extra piece on the side of the puzzle, something that wasn't really needed to complete it because it was already finished without it.

 

After all, if Dream truly needed him, then how were they so good without him? After he left, they started accelerating at a rapid pace, winning awards and producing great music. In 2017, in April, just two months after he left in February, they won the “Top Promising Group” award. They looked so happy, standing there on that stage. The sad part was that it didn’t even look like anyone was missing.

 

Jaemin felt so conflicted during his recovery period. He was worried that the herniated disk, which had been hurting him ever since he was a trainee, would end his career before it ever began. To lose something so precious to him, even though he had just barely been given a chance to do it, would destroy him. What would he do without it? He had missed too much school while training for this; he didn’t have anything but dance anymore. 

 

Also, if he had been removed from the group so quickly, he would be forgotten. He’d just be that one injured member who had left within a year. And then, after a few years, he’d be no one, and no one would remember who he was. 

 

Because, in the end, was he ever someone? If the Dreamies did so well without him, and nctzens forgot about him months after the announcement, was he ever a valuable member? If Mark was forced to leave, the group - and not just one group, all three of them - would almost definitely collapse. Someone like Mark was irreplaceable; Jaemin was forgettable.

 

It seemed he was doomed to live unnoticed in a group of shinning stars. They all had skills which made them stand out, which made them something great and new and important in an industry that didn’t care about you.

 

Perhaps if he was in a group with members that weren’t as perfect, then maybe he too would seem as though he was someone worth caring about.

 

He thought about all this and more during his recovery period, a hellish time.

 

He hadn’t been allowed to call the members, forced to watch v-lives or broadcasts in order to track their progress. Jaemin spent his days, quickly turning to months, in a dorm full of strangers all trying to make themselves unforgettable.

 

However, during this time, he had become close with all of them - with the three new trainees, Kun, Lucas, and Jungwoo. Hurting from the loss of his members, he had latched onto them in order to replace what he was missing, the part of his heart that felt empty. When half of them had debuted, Jaemin couldn’t help but feel as though he was left behind once again. People just seemed to keep leaving him, they kept improving and moving away from him.

 

Maybe he should work harder, then? If everyone kept going further and further, soon he’d be stuck in their shadow, like a tick that you can never quite get off.

 

And if there was one thing Jaemin didn’t want, it was to be that annoyance. He loved his members - he never wanted to be the cause of their suffering. They deserved better than a member with a broken back; they deserved someone who could stand with them and become something great with them, not beside them.

 

He was terrified they’d keep improving, or that his back would get worse, or the company would force him to leave the group. He had to make himself into something worthwhile, something that people could care about.

 

‘Tomorrow,’ Jaemin whispered to himself, closing his eyes. ‘I’ll start tomorrow.’

 

No one could leave him if he became someone.

 

 

-

 

 

**i only dream in gay**

**[ 7 members ]**

 

**smol and ready to fite:** chenle if you don’t stop SCREECHING…

 

**smol and ready to fite:** let’s just say we’ll have one less vocalist

 

***screaming into the abyss*:** i’m practicing my part for the new song???

 

**smol and ready to fite:** oh i know

 

**smol and ready to fite:** you sound like a dying walrus

 

***screaming into the abyss*:** ge that’s so mean

 

**dancing queen (young not sweet):** does anyone know when our next break is

 

**sunbun:** you’re tired of us already, jisung? it’s barely been a week

 

**dancing queen (young not sweet):** a LONG week*****

 

**long ass ride:** oh my god don’t talk about breaks

 

**lee jennie:** i’m so ready to sleep in

 

**smol and ready to fite:** i’d kill every single one of you if it meant i could eat some damn ice cream

 

***screaming into the abyss*:** we just had a break last week tho??

 

**dancing queen (young not sweet):** chenle that was half a day off because the managers messed up the scheduling for our morning practice

 

***screaming into the abyss*:** it was still a free period for us to do whatever??

 

**sunbun:** well i don’t care

 

**sunbun:** i’m having fun with you guys xx

 

**dancing queen (young not sweet):** ewww hyung don’t be so greasy

 

**sunbun:** xoxoxooxoxox

 

**sunbun:** i love you jisungie

 

**smol and ready to fite:** i will murder you 

 

**long ass ride:** please. i’m begging you.

 

**long ass ride:** let me sleep

 

***screaming into the abyss*:** guys we’re getting another break in like,,, two weeks

 

**dancing queen (young not sweet):** no that’s been canceled

 

**dancing queen (young not sweet):** we have to film a broadcast with the hyungs :/

 

***screaming into the abyss*:** ok, WHAT THE FUCK

 

**smol and ready to fite:** i’m going to kill myself

 

**sunbun:** no! we have to stay positive!

 

**lee jennie:** hey do we have any more chips cause the bag is missing????

 

**sunbun:** we have no more chips? i’m going to kill myself

 

***screaming into the abyss*:** oh, sorry hyung! i asked if anyone wanted any earlier

 

**sunbun:** NO YOU DIDNT???

 

***screaming into the abyss*:** no i didn’t

 

***screaming into the abyss*:** sorry

 

**sunbun:** SORRY ISN’T GOING TO CUT IT

 

**sunbun:** THOSE CHIPS WERE THE ONLY THINGS MAKING MY LIFE WORTH LIVING

 

**sunbun:** THE ONLY THINGS WHICH GOT ME THROUGH PRACTICE

 

**smol and ready to fite:** i thought that was positivity?

 

**sunbun:** WHEN YOU ASSHOLES WERE BEING IDIOTS, I HAD CHIPS

 

**dancing queen (young not sweet):** oh, WE’RE the idiots?

 

**dancing queen (young not sweet):** k

 

**sunbun:** NOW ALL I HAVE IS IDIOTS

 

**smol and ready to fite:** i will kill you

 

**sunbun:** i have nothing left to live for anyways

 

**long ass ride:** okay, let’s all calm down

 

**long ass ride:** hyuck, i’ll get you some more chips later today

 

**sunbun:** i love one (1) man

 

**lee jennie:** nevermind, i found another bag! :D

 

**sunbun:** i love two (2) men

 

**smol and ready to fite:** what a whore

 

**sunbun:** oh go fuck a cactus, you’re prickly enough

 

**long ass ride has kicked sunbun and smol and ready to fite out of “i only dream in gay”**

 

**long ass ride:** and that’s the end of that

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment or a kudo! i'm dying to hear your thoughts! 
> 
> xx


	3. kaREN: someone had to say it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> problems start to come out of the woodwork, and they're not pretty
> 
> (( please don't hate me for this ))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new group chat!! i wonder why...
> 
> "is this the real life? or is this just a dream?"
> 
> oh cap'n my cap'n - mark  
> maknae swag - jisung  
> crazy rich asian - chenle  
> glen coco - haechan  
> jeNO - jeno  
> kaREN - renjun

 

**nemo can’t talk (nct)**

**[ 18 members ]**

  
  


**supreme gay:** WHO THE FUCK ATE ALL THE CEREAL

 

**bugs bunny:** xoxo

 

**supreme gay:** oh you think you’re hot shit just because you can reach the top shelf?

 

**supreme gay:** well let me tell you, asshole, that just because you’re closer to heaven doesn’t mean god gives a shit about you

 

**bugs bunny:** and just cause you’re closer to hell doesn’t mean you’re intimidating xo

 

**bugs bunny:** a dwarf doesn’t scare me xo

 

**supreme gay:** WELL THEN LET ME SHOW YOU THE DEVIL YOU BUNNY ASS LOOKING BITCH

 

**banana:** shut the fuck up, both of you

 

**banana:** it’s too early in the morning for your bullshit

  
  


-

  
  


Jaemin woke up to a loud curse and a bang. He rubbed his eyes sleepily and turned to look at the sheepish culprit, who was clutching one foot and jumping on the other.

 

“Sorry,” Jeno whispered, looking increasingly guilty, “I tried to be quiet so you could sleep some more.”

 

Jaemin groaned softly in response, pushing himself up with one hand, the blankets pooling around his waist. The light, pouring in from a crack in the curtains, seemed too bright for his tired eyes.

 

“It’s alright,” he said with a yawn. “What time is it?”

 

Jeno shifted his hold from his foot, rubbing his stubbed toe gently as he leaned against the wall for balance. “It’s almost seven, but we don’t have a schedule until eight. You can go back to bed if you want.”

 

“No, it’s fine,” Jaemin responded with a smile, “I should start getting ready anyway.”

 

As Jaemin pushed himself out of bed, he felt a twinge of pain in his lower back, causing him to take a sharp breath at the feeling. He wavered for a split second, hardly noticeable, before he was pushing himself out of the bed. 

 

While stretching slowly by holding his arms over his head, he noticed his shirt rising up and revealing his torso. Quickly, he brought his hands back down, glancing at Jeno with a somewhat awkward look on his face. The other boy, noticing the look, started stammering a stupid excuse and falling over himself trying to leave.

 

“I, umm… Oh wow, is that Jisung yelling? I should go help him,” Jeno babbled, turning and almost running out of the room.

 

“Wait, Jeno-” Jaemin tried to interrupt him, but it was too late. 

 

“Shit,” he whispered to himself, looking down at his hands, which were spread out in an aborted attempt at calming the other boy. He pulled them back to himself, softly rubbing the knuckles over his lower back.

 

His back normally didn’t hurt too much in the morning, but it was definitely stiff and uncomfortable when he first woke up. Usually, Jeno would be asleep or gone when Jaemin woke up, allowing him to get up with no worries about the other seeing him stumble out of bed like an invalid.

 

He hoped the other wouldn’t worry about him, but he didn’t think the other had even noticed him stumble. Jeno (as well as the other members) seemed to be preoccupied these days. 

 

Three days ago, Jaemin almost fell during dance practice, literally stumbling forward into Renjun. They were practicing their new song and one of the movements was making his back feel slightly uncomfortable. It wasn’t painful, but it did feel a little more delicate than it should have.

 

Renjun helped him regain his balance, pulling his hands back as soon as Jaemin could stand without his help. The older boy brushed off Jaemin’s poor attempt at a joke with an uncomfortable smile. 

 

He managed to make it through the rest of the dance practice, but his mind was preoccupied with the weird interaction for the remainder of the night. Why had Renjun seemed so nervous with helping him? 

 

Jaemin, because of confusing events such as these, wasn’t sure how to act while with the members. All of the Dreamies seemed tense around him, especially in the past couple of weeks. The hyungs weren’t too bad, but that was mainly because he hadn’t really interacted with them all that much. 

 

Why was everyone acting so weird around him? Did they just not want him to be there?

 

God, he hoped that wasn’t the case. If it was, he didn’t know what to do. 

 

If the members told him they didn’t want him to remain in the group, did he have any right to be selfish? No, if that was the case, then he would resign.

 

Jaemin wouldn’t stay where he wasn’t wanted - he wouldn’t burden others with his presence like that. 

 

Besides, with his increasing back pain due to the dances they were practicing, he didn’t know how much longer he could continue. He was only staying because he loved them - and he thought they loved him too.

 

If they didn’t, he wasn’t brave enough to bear the pain. Maybe he would just accept what he had been ignoring all these years: that his back wasn’t going to get better, not by taking short rests. He needed to settle down and relax, make sure his back healed completely before he attempted anything else.

 

But Jaemin didn’t have that kind of time; no one did.

 

So, with a sigh, he forced himself to shuffle in the direction of the closet. He had to get dressed and ready for another day. 

 

He should enjoy it while it lasted. 

 

It already felt like the end. 

  
  


-

  
  


**is this the real life? or is this just a dream?**

**[ 6 members ]**

  
  


**oh cap’n my cap’n:** jeno what the fuck was that

 

**jeNO:** i have no idea what you’re talking about

 

**maknae swag:** you just ran out of jaemin’s room like the whole thing was on fire

 

**jeNO:** i calmly walked out of the room

 

**crazy rich asian:** you’re a disaster gay

 

**kaREN:** bitch we been knew

 

**jeNO:** first of all, i’m a wonderful gay thank you very much

 

**jeNO:** second of all, i wasn’t trying to wake him up?? that’s all

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** you were trying to avoid him

 

**crazy rich asian:** yeah like you aren’t hyung

 

**kaREN:** you are too asshole

 

**glen coco:** we all are asshole

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** i’m not avoiding jaemin!

 

**maknae swag:** alright who the fuck ran out of the bathroom last night then

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** i forgot my clothes!

 

**glen coco:** we have all walked around this dorm with just our towels, try again

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** it was cold?? i couldn’t walk around in just my towel?

 

**maknae swag:** it was 40 degrees?? it was hot as satan’s asshole

 

**jeNO:** what would the hyungs say if they knew you cursed like that?

 

**maknae swag:** what would the hyungs say if they knew you were avoiding jaemin?

 

**crazy rich asian:** but guys why are we even avoiding him

 

**crazy rich asian:** why don’t we just talk to him

 

**glen coco:** are you insane?

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** we all agreed we’d tone it down and try to make jaemin comfortable during his return

 

**crazy rich asian:** by making everyone miserable??

 

**maknae swag:** but it’s so weiiiirdddddd

 

**maknae swag:** jaemin-hyung hasn’t tried to pinch my cheeks ONCE in the past three days

 

**glen coco:** aww “jaemin-hyung”? is some feeling sentimental?

 

**crazy rich asian:** don’t make fun of jisung 

 

**crazy rich asian:** i know for a fact that the reason you were pouting last night during the movie was because you weren’t cuddling with jaemin-hyung like you used to

 

**glen coco:** i wasn’t pouting!

 

**kaREN:** bullshit. you were as miserable as a fucking graveyard

 

**jeNO:** you really were hyuckie

 

**glen coco:** okay but what about chenle then

 

**glen coco:** he’s been super loud all week trying to get jaemin’s attention

 

**crazy rich asian:** i was not trying to get his attention! i was trying to get you leave me alone!

 

**kaREN:** yeah and i’m straight

 

**maknae swag:** then what do you propose genius?

 

**jeNO:** i’m perfectly fine with continuing like this

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** you’re literally sucking right now

 

**kaREN:** why don’t we just,,, ignore the problem until it goes away

 

**crazy rich asian:** and what’s the problem ge?

 

**kaREN:** this entire situation

 

**crazy rich asian:** oh so you mean jaemin-hyung coming back

 

**glen coco:** chenle what the fuck

 

**maknae swag:** jaemin-hyung isn’t the problem!

 

**kaREN:** well maybe he is

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** renjun what the fuck are you saying

 

**kaREN:** i’m saying i want jaemin to leave the group

 

**jeNO:** shut the fuck up

 

**kaREN:** it’s the truth

 

**kaREN:** we were working fine before he came back

 

**glen coco:** if you call miserable fine, you fucking asshole

 

**crazy rich asian:** ge why are you acting like this?

 

**kaREN:** why should we have to tiptoe in our own dorm because of him? it’s not fucking fair

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** news flash, it’s jaemin’s dorm too

 

**kaREN:** is it?

 

**glen coco:** yes it is! it always has been

 

**glen coco:** we kept an entire room open for him

 

**glen coco:** we kept bothering the managers to let us contact him

 

**glen coco:** chenle wouldn’t stop crying for an entire week after he first left

 

**kaREN:** see all the problems he’s caused?

 

**maknae swag:** i’m not gonna listen to this bullshit

 

**maknae swag:** add me back when you don’t wanna kick one of our members out of the group

 

**maknae swag has left “is this the real life? or is this just a dream?”**

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** so jaemin’s back being injured is a problem?

 

**kaREN:** i’m just saying we didn’t have all these problems when he wasn’t here

 

**jeNO:** you went too far renjun

 

**glen coco:** he was never a problem

 

**glen coco:** he was my friend

 

**kaREN:** then why haven’t you been acting like it?

 

**glen coco:** fuck you renjun

 

**glen coco has left “is this the real life? or is this just a dream?”**

 

**jeNO:** he’s your friend too, why are you saying such horrible things?

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** i think we should all calm down

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** we don’t mean what we’re saying

 

**kaREN:** i do

 

**crazy rich asian:** yujre sajuing yhu whag to kucjk jaegim hygun iht if the gruol?

 

**kaREN:** it might be better that way

 

**jeNO:** chenle are you okay?

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** jeno go check on chenle

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** if you have problems like this renjun, you need to bring them to me

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** not cause a fucking issue with the whole group

 

**kaREN:** someone had to say it

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** no they didn’t

 

**kaREN has left “is this the real life? or is this just a dream?”**

 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some things i forgot to mention!
> 
> 1) mark is still a member of dream!
> 
> 2) this is pre wayv debut, so we only have 18 members
> 
>  
> 
> please yell at me in the comments... i know this chapter wasn't very nice ;)
> 
> (and please don't be too mad at renjun - our baby has his reasons as well for saying things like this!)
> 
> xx


	4. main mom: nothing’s going to happen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hmm things start happening! and it's nothing good! but someone's feeling a little guilty and someone's feeling a little sad... i wonder who! ;)
> 
> or-
> 
> this time on,, keeping up with the dreamies! everything goes to hell! again! :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new chat(s)! more drama!
> 
>  
> 
> "hyung line best line"
> 
> main mom - taeyong  
> grandma - taeil  
> chinese mom - kun  
> dance dance revolution - ten  
> everybody's favorite - doyoung
> 
> "made in china"
> 
> fake maknae - renjun  
> lele - chenle  
> momma - kun  
> hi, i'd like some lines please - winwin
> 
> -
> 
> WARNING!!!  
> some language and hints of a panic attack (not explicit)  
> if you're worried, it starts around "Jaemin lost track of time..." and ends at "Still he persisted."  
> but if you wanna be super safe, skip everything from the second group chat ("hyung line best line") to the last one ("made in china")!! lmk in the comments if you need a recap!! xx

 

 

**is this the real life? or is this just a dream?**

**[ 3 members ]**

 

**kaREN:** someone had to say it 

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** no they didn’t

  
  


-

  
  


Jaemin had a bad feeling when he left his room.

 

The dorm had been silent ever since he woke up, a heavy feeling hanging in the air as though all of its occupants were holding their breath.

 

When he wandered out after getting dressed, he was expecting to see a couple members in the kitchen eating breakfast or out in the living room watching a show or movie. Jisung and Donghyuck, weirdly enough, bonded over their mutual appreciation for early morning kids shows.

 

That morning, however, there was no one sitting on the couch or eating in the kitchen or laughing from the rooms. Everything seemed quiet, as though some colossal event had just occurred. But was it the calm before or after the storm?

 

Normally, when there were fights, they were loud, involving voices screeching at the top of their lungs (Chenle) or doors slamming dramatically in emphasis (Donghyuck). Nothing in the Dream dorm was resolved quietly, and it was not calm to begin with.

 

“Hey, guys,” Jaemin called out hesitantly, poking his head into the kitchen, “did I miss something?”

 

There was no answer, just a contemptuous scoff from the table. Jaemin whipped his head around to look at the small figure sitting there with wide eyes, not having noticed they were there previously.

 

“There is no problem,” Renjun responded scathingly, putting special emphasis on the word ‘problem.’ 

 

Jaemin stammered, not knowing how to respond to his friend when he was looking at him so angrily. Had he done something wrong? 

 

He was struggling to think of a reply, still standing hesitantly in the doorway, when a whirlwind burst into the room. That same whirlwind swung their arm around Jaemin’s shoulders, pulling the confused boy into his side.

 

“Renjun’s right, Jaemin,” Donghyuck retorted, his teeth bared in a poor imitation of a grin. “There aren’t any problems here. Well, apart from one.”

 

The tension in the room rose, feeling tremendously like a powder keg before it exploded. Jaemin was growing increasingly more and more bewildered, swinging his gaze between the two angry boys with a hesitant look on his face.

 

“I think we’re talking about the wrong problem, Haechan,” Renjun almost snarled, his knuckles white from where he was gripping the table firmly. The use of such an impersonal name made Jaemin even more worried; the members were normally very close - it would have taken a lot to set them off in such a manner.

 

“I think you’re right, Renjun,” Donghyuck replied with a mean look on his face. “I think someone else is the problem.”

 

Renjun physically snapped then, standing up so quickly that his chair fell to the floor behind him with a loud clatter. Jaemin flinched back automatically at the sound, a soft gasp escaping his mouth in shock and fear. Donghyuck immediately pushed the younger boy behind his own body protectively, blocking his view of the scene.

 

The air was tight, neither appeared to be willing to back down. The entire display made Jaemin’s breath catch in his throat, fear rising up in him.

 

“Guys, I think we should just calm down,” Jaemin started trying to placate the two angry boys, a wavering smile on his face. “There’s no need to get so angry.”

 

Renjun laughed in response, a harsh sound. 

 

“Oh, you think ‘there’s no need to get angry?’,” he mocked. “Well let me tell you something-” 

 

Renjun was cut off by Donghyuck angrily snapping at him to shut up, his voice tight with barely restrained fury.

 

Just then, when things seemed as though they were about to escalate even further, Mark appeared behind Jaemin. He softly grabbed the disoriented boy’s hand and tugged him further out of the room. After giving Jaemin a reassuring smile, the oldest fixed the other two with a stern look, which seemed so strange on his kind face.

 

“I don’t know why you thought you could just argue like this in the middle of the kitchen, but you need to stop. You’re both acting like children and it’s disturbing everyone…”

 

The rest of Mark’s lecture seemed to fade away, as though someone had lowered the volume of the television. Jaemin’s head felt as though it were stuffed full of cotton, every sound in the room fading until it sounded like a faint buzzing in the distance. 

 

Everything had happened so quickly - it was fine in the beginning and then the world turned upside down within seconds.

 

Had he missed something? Had something happened?

 

Jaemin’s thoughts were spinning wildly around his head as he stumbled away from the kitchen, the voices fading with the distance and the loud buzzing in his ears. He quickly grabbed onto the wall with a shaky hand, sensing a familiar feeling of panic starting to well up in his chest.

 

His chest felt tight, as though someone had taken a rope and tied it around his lungs, compressing them to the point they were suffocating him.

 

He didn’t understand what was going on, it was all so confusing.

 

Slowly, he slid to the ground with the help of the wall, his only friend at the moment. Sitting with his back against the wall in the hallway of their dorm, Jaemin felt pathetic.

 

Why hadn’t he done more? He was so useless in that room, only staring at everything with a pitiful look on his face. He should have done something, anything, to calm them down. 

 

Why had they started fighting? What did he miss?

 

A million questions and Jaemin didn’t have a single answer.

 

What did he miss? 

 

 

-

 

**hyung line best line**

**[ 5 members ]**

 

**main mom:** what’s going on with the kids?

 

**chinese mom:** you’ve noticed as well?

 

**everyone’s favorite:** i think the dreamies are struggling with adjusting

 

**main mom:** adjusting to what?

 

**everyone’s favorite:** jaemin’s return

 

**dance dance revolution:** don’t be ridiculous, those kids adore him

 

**grandma:** don’t you remember how sad everyone was during his recovery period?

 

**grandma:** the kids were bothering everyone with questions about jaeminie

 

**everyone’s favorite:** i can’t believe you haven’t noticed

 

**main mom:** stop fucking teasing us and spit it out

 

**everyone’s favorite:** i’m not teasing, i’m just surprised

 

**dance dance revolution:** well stop being surprised??

 

**everyone’s favorite:** they’ve been treating him like glass

 

**chinese mom:** yeah, cause he just got back

 

**chinese mom:** renjun and chenle have been bothering me about what they should do to help him

 

**everyone’s favorite:** that’s the problem

 

**main mom:** that they’re asking for help?

 

**everybody’s favorite:** that they’re asking others for help

 

**dance dance revolution:** that’s not a big problem. they’re just awkward around him right now

 

**everybody’s favorite:** well that’s not what he needs

 

**grandma:** doyoung, you’re not making sense

 

**everybody’s favorite:** jaemin just needs his friends, not caregivers

 

**everybody’s favorite:** they’ve all been tiptoeing around each other for weeks

 

**everybody’s favorite:** something big is gonna happen soon

 

**dance dance revolution:** don’t be ridiculous 

 

**main mom:** i think you’re making a problem out of nothing

 

**main mom:** besides, what can we do?

 

**chinese mom:** i think the kids can figure it out among themselves before there are any big problems

 

**everybody’s favorite:** i think we should do something

 

**grandma:** let’s vote then

 

**main mom:** ???

 

**grandma:** should we leave it be or should we do something?

 

**everyone’s favorite:** do something! please, i’m not joking

 

**dance dance revolution:** leave it

 

**chinese mom:** leave it

 

**main mom:** i vote we should leave it

 

**grandma:** i agree 

 

**everybody’s favorite:** and what if it’s already too late?

 

**main mom:** calm down

 

**main mom:** nothing’s going to happen

 

 

-

  
  


Jaemin lost track of time, blankly staring into the air in front of him. He had lost track of time after he floundered out of the kitchen, his mind lost in a never-ending cycle of worry. He didn’t know when the boys had stopped fighting, but the dorm was eerily silent. 

 

His head was aching, as it always did after an unpleasant encounter such as that. The last time he felt this bad had been in a doctor’s office, being told that he had to take a leave of absence from the group. What followed had been some of the worst months of his life - he was terrified that history would soon repeat.

 

His chest also hurt, still feeling too tight to allow him to breathe properly. He felt shaky, as though he had just finished a six-hour dance practice. 

 

God, everything was such a mess.

 

Jaemin felt his eyes welling up with tears, and he quickly buried his face into this knees. How lame would it be if someone found him like this - crying like a baby after a small disagreement with his members? And it wasn’t even a disagreement he was a part of!

 

His breath hitched with tears, the only sound in the lonely hallway. He felt like a trainee again, floundering and unsure of himself. No, he felt like he did when he injured his back for the first time, anxious and feeling as though the world had been ripped out from underneath him, as though he was in a freefall with no end in sight.

 

And maybe he was being dramatic, maybe it was all no big deal. After all, Jaemin had missed so much time; maybe they fought in a more agitated style these days.

 

But right now, sitting on the floor in a tight ball, it felt like his worst nightmare. 

 

Everyone was mad, and he didn’t know why. He couldn’t help but think it was his fault, that he was connected to it in some way. And maybe that was arrogant, thinking he was that important, but Jaemin had a strong sense that it wasn’t simple ego.

 

If it was his fault, that was unforgivable. It was something Jaemin couldn’t, wouldn’t, accept. He loved these boys way too much to ever cause them pain and suffering. He would do anything in order to make them happy, including sacrificing his own happiness. It was nothing in comparison to theirs.

 

Jaemin took another shuddering breath, his whole body shaking like a leaf. 

 

He couldn’t break down, not like this. The younger kids could wander out at any minute - they didn’t deserve to see him fall apart in front of them. He had to calm down.

 

Jaemin started trying to control his breathing, using an old trick he read online somewhere. In for one-two-three-four, out for five-six-seven-eight-nine-ten. 

 

It didn’t work very well, and it only caused him to choke on his air, sending him into further panic. He had to get a hold of himself.

 

Desperately, he dug around for a solution, for an idea or a way to get himself to calm down, to act like a functioning human being.

 

Accidentally, while he was shifting, he dug his nails into the palms of his hands, giving himself a constant pressure to ground himself with. It still took a long time, getting his breathing back under control and his mind stabilized, but it worked faster than the breathing trick had.

 

Minutes, hours, later, Jaemin felt calmer. His skin was still humming with anxiety and there was a tightness in his throat, but he could breathe normally. 

 

He stayed on the floor for some more time. It wouldn’t do to attempt to stand up and then fall down like some newborn deer. He had to steady himself.

 

Jaemin uncurled his fists, looking at the irritated crescent shapes pressed into his palms. He felt sick looking at them, feeling as though they were something forbidden, something dirty. He quickly turned his hands, rubbing them against his thighs, which had started to get stiff after sitting for so long. 

 

He hesitated before getting up, worried that he might topple down on his first try. But he was alone, there was nothing else to do but to get up himself.

 

Jaemin’s legs felt shaky as he pushed himself to his knees, holding the wall carefully as a crutch. He pushed himself up to one leg, then the other, and then to both. He wavered slightly, his entire body feeling weak and tired. 

 

Still, he persisted. 

 

Straightening up, he stumbled in the direction of the bathroom in order to clean himself up. He was positive he looked like a disaster. 

 

His legs felt like jelly on the walk over there, his footsteps thudding on the floor of the still dorm. 

 

When Jaemin pushed the door to the bathroom, he was relieved to find that no one was in it. It would have made for an awkward conversation, one he wasn’t sure he could handle just yet.

 

Jaemin braced himself against the sink, looking at the mirror in order to asses his condition. 

 

He looked like a nightmare - his face drained of color, bruises imbedded underneath his bloodshot eyes. His lips were bitten and chapped, still shaking as he hesitantly licked at them. His cheekbones seemed prominent, as though he were a skeleton of his former self.

 

He giggled slightly at himself, morbidly amused by the situation. 

 

Some idol he was! If nctzens saw him now, they wouldn’t even recognize him. He looked nothing like the smiling image they all loved.  

 

God, dance practice was supposed to start soon. He needed to fix this mess before people noticed, or, worse, worried.

 

Jaemin bent over, turning the water on and splashing some of it on his face. The cool sensation helped him calm down a little, making him feel a little more human. 

 

He dried his face with a towel before examining himself in the mirror again. He still looked too pale to pass for normal - maybe some makeup could fix that.

 

As Jaemin rummaged around for the concealer, he smiled bitterly.

 

What a perfect mess this day was.

 

 

-

 

 

**made in china**

**[ 4 members ]**

 

**fake maknae:** ge, i fucked up so badly

 

**lele:** oh so now you’re here looking for some fucking sympathy?

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** chenle, watch your language!

 

**momma:** what's going on

 

**momma:** is something wrong

 

**lele:** i’ll watch my language when renjun isn’t such an asshole

 

**momma:** chenle, language! he’s still older than you

 

**lele:** he doesn’t deserve an ounce of my respect

 

**lele:** nor does he deserve any pity

 

**lele:** he’s an asshole and he deserves to suffer for what he’s done

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** chenle, calm down and tell us what happened 

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** we can’t help you if we don’t know what’s wrong

 

**lele:** ask renjun, he’s the one who has a fucking problem

 

**lele has left “made in china”**

 

**momma:** wait, chenle

 

**momma:** shit

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** renjun what the hell is going on?

 

**fake maknae:** i fucked up so bad

 

**fake maknae:** i didn't mean it like that

 

**fake maknae:** and now everyone’s mad at me

 

**fake maknae:** and they should be

 

**momma:** baby, just tell us what’s wrong

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** we can’t help if we don’t know what we need to help with

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** innie, please talk to us

 

 

**fake maknae:** i said i wanted jaemin out of the group

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so please lmk how mad you are in the comments!
> 
> i hope it didn't seem too dramatic?? i was worried it might lmao but that's not the goal at all!
> 
> i was considering making you guys suffer for another day or two before i posted it... but i decided i may as well update and see what you think about this one! xx
> 
> -
> 
> (( i was considering adding ten & lucas to the china chat, but i figured i'd just stay with these guys! lmk what you think about it! ))


	5. mork is tired: what if this is the end?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a lot of texts happen because our babies are finally asking for some help. another side of the story comes out, and the members start taking sides...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new chats!! (please don't hate me lol, i know it's annoying)
> 
> "made in china"
> 
> hi, i'd like some lines please - winwin  
> momma - kun  
> fake maknae - renjun
> 
> "haechan stop changing the fucking name"   
> (it's the nct 127 chat in case you can't tell)
> 
> mork is tired - mark  
> annoyance - haechan  
> leader - taeyong  
> high notes - taeil  
> owl noises - johnny  
> geoffery - jaehyun  
> dododudu - doyoung  
> soft - jungwoo  
> yutaaaa - yuta  
> winnie the pooh - winwin
> 
> "wow, i love my members"
> 
> twitter soft voice - jungwoo  
> oof, my back - jaemin
> 
> \- 
> 
> please enjoy! ;) xx

  
  
  


**made in china**

**[ 3 members ]**

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** renjun, are you serious?

 

**fake maknae:** i didn’t mean it like that, ge, you have to believe me

 

**momma:** why would you say something like that?

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** you don’t… actually think that, do you?

 

**fake maknae:** i don’t know what to think!

 

**fake maknae:** everything’s so messed up these days

 

**fake maknae:** all of the dreamies are so fucking miserable

 

**momma:** but baby, you were more miserable when he wasn’t here

 

**fake maknae:** it feels the same, ge

 

**fake maknae:** it still seems like we have this big hole in the middle of our ranks

 

**fake maknae:** and he’s right there but he’s not

 

**fake maknae:** the dorm feels so loud because no one’s talking

 

**fake maknae:** it’s like a graveyard or a funeral and it shouldn’t be

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** renjun, you knew it wasn’t going to be easy

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** think about how jaemin must feel!

 

**momma:** he’s coming back after a long break - he must have been so worried about how you guys were going to react

 

**fake maknae:** i know that, we all know that

 

**fake maknae:** i can’t get the look on his face out of my head

 

**fake maknae:** the one he was wearing when he first came back

 

**fake maknae:** he looked so fucking scared, as though he was worried that we’d turn him away or something

 

**fake maknae:** which is ridiculous because he has no idea how much we all suffered while he was gone

 

**fake maknae:** i could hardly concentrate on my work because i was so worried about how he was doing, if he was still hurting

 

**fake maknae:** every single time i see him, i keep seeing how miserable he looks

 

**fake maknae:** and i can’t remember how he looked exactly the same when the managers came to tell us that he had to take a leave of absence because of his fucked up back

 

**fake maknae:** we were all so fucking surprised

 

**fake maknae:** like, wow, his back, that’s been bothering him for years, still hurts?

 

**fake maknae:** i don’t know why it was so shocking to hear

 

**fake maknae:** those last couple of weeks, he kept looking smaller and smaller, taking breaks that went longer and longer

 

**fake maknae:** everything seems like it’s repeating

 

**fake maknae:** i’m terrified that one day, jaemin isn’t going to come home

 

**fake maknae:** and the manager is going to tell us that, this time, he isn’t going to come back

 

**fake maknae:** i don’t know if we’d survive that

 

**momma:** baby… you can’t keep stuff like this to yourself

 

**momma:** you’re a group! you have to talk to each other

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** why didn’t you ask jaeminie how he feels? i’m sure he’d be happy to talk to you again

 

**fake maknae:** i don’t want him to worry again

 

**fake maknae:** he already looks like he’s two seconds from collapsing

 

**fake maknae:** i don’t know what to do, ge

 

**fake maknae:** i’m so fucking worried about him but he’s not saying anything to anyone

 

**momma:** baby, has anyone been talking to him?

 

**fake maknae:** we agreed that we’d let him approach us, to not overwhelm him

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** it’s been six months, renjun

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** you’re telling me that no one has spoken to him about this for six months?

 

**fake maknae:** not really

 

**fake maknae:** everyone’s kinda avoiding him

 

**momma:** and don’t you see a problem with that?

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** you can’t keep avoiding each other

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** it’s just making everything confusing and hurting everyone involved!

 

**fake maknae:** i know but i don’t know how to start the conversation

 

**fake maknae:** “hey, jaemin, i’m so sorry i’ve been acting like a complete asshole for such a long time, please forgive me”???

 

**fake maknae:** that’ll never work

 

**momma:** baby, i’m not saying it’s right, but you have to do something

 

**momma:** you cannot keep doing this

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** what’re you gonna do if you don’t talk to him?

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** just keep ignoring each other for the next couple months?

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** and what if something happens?

 

**fake maknae:** everyone already hates me

 

**fake maknae:** it can’t get any worse than this

 

**momma:** yes, yes, yes, it can!

 

**momma:** renjun, what if jaeminie finds these texts? what’re you going to tell him?

 

**fake maknae:** he won’t find out

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** talk to your members again

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** you cannot let this continue like this for much longer

 

**fake maknae:** they don’t want to talk to me

 

**momma:** renjun, you have to understand why

 

**momma:** i wouldn’t be ready to talk to you either if you said something like that to me

 

**fake maknae:** i just don’t know how to fix it

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** you need to be ready for it to hurt

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** you need to be ready to beg for forgiveness

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** but it’s something that you have to do

 

**fake maknae:** i know, ge, i just don’t know if i can

 

**momma:** are you ready to lose jaeminie forever?

 

**fake maknae:** it already feels like i have

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** jaemin is way too forgiving for his own good

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** he would never push you away

 

**fake maknae:** but that’s a part of the problem, ge

 

**fake maknae:** what if i don’t deserve forgiveness?

 

**fake maknae:** i’m just going to keep hurting him and he’s just going to keep accepting my apologies

 

**fake maknae:** i can’t do that to him

 

**momma:** you both need to talk things through

 

**momma:** you can’t do anything without talking

 

**fake maknae:** he doesn’t deserve any of this shit i’m putting him through

 

**fake maknae:** maybe it would be better if he left

 

**fake maknae:** he’d be happier, and he wouldn’t be hurting anymore

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** you cannot make that decision for him!

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** you know how hard he’s worked to rejoin you guys!

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** don’t take that away from him

 

**fake maknae:** but this is just hurting him

 

**momma:** life is like that, baby

 

**momma:** but you have to push through

 

**hi, i’d like some lines please:** are you willing to lose your best friend like this?

 

**fake maknae:** i would do anything to make nana happy

 

**momma:** this isn’t going to make him happy, renjun

 

**fake maknae:** he already isn’t happy, ge

  
  


-

  
  


**haechan, stop changing the fucking name**

**[ 10 members ]**

 

**winnie the pooh:** @mark @haechan

 

**winnie the pooh:** is there something you need to tell us?

 

**annoyance:** i don’t know what you’re talking about, hyung

 

**mork is tired:** hyuck, maybe they can help

 

**annoyance:** can they fucking get rid of renjun? i don’t think so

 

**leader:** woah, hyuck, calm down

 

**leader:** there’s no need to snap

 

**winnie the pooh:** you guys need to talk to each other

 

**annoyance:** you want me to talk to the asshole?

 

**annoyance:** he tried to kick a member out of our group

 

**mork is tired:** i have to say i agree with hyuckie… he did something that i can’t forgive that easily

 

**winnie the pooh:** i’m not asking you to forgive him

 

**winnie the pooh:** and i’m also not denying that he fucked up

 

**leader:** watch your language!

 

**mork is tired:** so what do you want us to do?

 

**annoyance:** he fucking hurt all of us

 

**winnie the pooh:** you need to calm down

 

**annoyance:** i need to calm down? 

 

**annoyance:** jisung and chenle haven’t stopped crying

 

**annoyance:** no one knows where jeno went

 

**annoyance:** and mark is pulling his hair out

 

**mork is tired:** hyung, he went too far

 

**winnie the pooh:** and he understands that

 

**annoyance:** oh, so now he understands?

 

**annoyance:** well i don’t

 

**annoyance:** how could he be so fucking heartless?

 

**leader:** can someone please explain what’s going on?

 

**yutaaaaa:** and stop swearing at winwin, hyuck

 

**mork is tired:** don’t lecture him, it’s not his fault

 

**winnie the pooh:** yuta, leave it

 

**leader:** guys, please, what’s wrong?

 

**annoyance:** ask fucking renjun

 

**leader:** i’ll ask him later

 

**leader:** i want to hear it from you first

 

**yutaaaaa:** and i want to know why you’re being such an asshole, haechan

 

**annoyance:** i’m not the asshole here

 

**mork is tired:** hyuck, stop it

 

**mork is tired:** maybe we should tell them

 

**annoyance:** what can they do?

 

**mork is tired:** they might be able to help

 

**annoyance:** they can’t do shit

 

**leader:** language!

 

**yutaaaaa:** yah, we’re still older than you, show some respect

 

**mork is tired:** hyuck, please

 

**annoyance:** fine, mark, drag other people into this mess

 

**annoyance:** you’re not the one who’s going to get hurt after all

 

**winnie the pooh:** @jaehyun @johnny @doyoung @taeil @jungwoo

 

**winnie the pooh:** it’s important

 

**soft:** what’s wrong?

 

**geoffery:** hey

 

**owl noises:** haechan? mark?

 

**high notes:** i’m here

 

**winnie the pooh:** @doyoung

 

**dododudu:** sorry, sorry, i’m here

 

**dododudu:** what’s up?

 

**mork is tired:** i guess i’ll start now

 

**mork is tired:** we’ve all been kinda struggling with how to act

 

**annoyance:** i still say we should just act fucking normally

 

**mork is tired:** and i think it’s finally backfiring

 

**leader:** mark, you’re not making a lot of sense

 

**geoffery:** you guys got into an argument?

 

**winnie the pooh:** it’s more serious than that

 

**soft:** i don’t understand? why were you struggling?

 

**annoyance:** because no one knew how to treat jaemin now that he’s returned

 

**dododudu:** normally??? 

 

**mork is tired:** but what is “normally”??

 

**mork is tired:** we’ve all changed during his break

 

**soft:** mark, you know it wasn’t a “break”

 

**mork is tired:** shit, hyung, i didn’t mean it that way

 

**mork is tired:** i just mean that we’re all a little awkward now that he’s back

 

**annoyance:** we’ve all grown up a bit, matured i guess you could say, since he left

 

**owl noises:** no you didn’t?????

 

**winnie the pooh:** no, johnny, they’re right

 

**dododudu:** they’ve all changed, we just don’t realize it because we’ve been with them the entire time

 

**annoyance:** yeah, and so we’ve been avoiding each other at the dorm

 

**geoffery:** why didn’t you just talk about it?

 

**mork is tired:** we didn’t know if his back was a taboo subject or not

 

**mork is tired:** and he didn’t bring it up

 

**leader:** but what’s the problem?? nothing is that big a deal as of yet??

 

**annoyance:** renjun seemed to have decided enough was enough

 

**high notes:** what do you mean?

 

**annoyance:** he thought we had a “problem” in our group

 

**annoyance:** and that problem was apparently jaemin

 

**geoffery:** what the fuck

 

**soft:** he didn’t say anything to nana, did he?

 

**mork is tired:** no, but i had to break up a fight between hyuck and renjun this morning

 

**annoyance:** he was literally yelling at jaemin! 

 

**annoyance:** jaemin was on the edge of panicking when i stepped in

 

**mork is tired:** and how did you make it any better by starting an argument right in front of him?

 

**annoyance:** oh, so i was supposed to let renjun just insult jaemin?

 

**mork is tired:** i’m not saying that!

 

**owl noises:** guys, calm down

 

**owl noises:** i’m sure no one meant any harm 

 

**leader:** it’s probably just that tempers were running high

 

**annoyance:** oh, so just because we’re stressed, it’s okay to say shit like that?

 

**winnie the pooh:** absolutely not!

 

**winnie the pooh:** there’s never an excuse to hurt each other like that

 

**dododudu:** why were you even fighting?

 

**annoyance:** because renjun was glaring at jaemin when i walked in, and it was scaring him

 

**dododudu:** and you didn’t scare him when you started an argument?

 

**annoyance:** i was protecting him!

 

**dododudu:** baby, i’m not saying you weren’t. but you have to remember that jaemin might be blaming himself for everything

 

**annoyance:** none of this is his fault

 

**yutaaaaa:** well maybe it is

 

**geoffery:** yuta, don’t you dare start shit. not now

 

**yutaaaaa:** i’m just saying

 

**annoyance:** don’t you dare agree with him, hyung

 

**yutaaaaa:** i’m not agreeing with him… i just think there is some truth to his words

 

**leader:** yuta, enough

 

**winnie the pooh:** you’re going too far

 

**mork is tired:** i can’t believe this

 

**mork is tired:** what the fuck is even going on right now

 

**owl noises:** mark, is everyone okay?

 

**high notes:** yuta, private chat, now

 

**yutaaaaa:** fine

 

**annoyance:** has everyone lost their minds? 

 

**mork is tired:** chenle and jisung are pretty shaken up so i sent them to the room to calm down a little before our practice

 

**mork is tired:** i think renjun locked himself into his room after the argument

 

**annoyance:** serves him right

 

**leader:** hyuck

 

**mork is tired:** jeno ran out while i was talking to the two of them… he hasn’t responded to any of my texts

 

**dododudu:** and jaemin?

 

**annoyance:** he left the kitchen when mark entered to talk to us, but he was shaking badly

 

**soft:** i’ll try talking to him

 

**mork is tired:** thanks, hyung

 

**soft:** i’m not doing this for you. i’m doing this for him, because he doesn’t deserve any of this shit

 

**soft:** get yourselves sorted out

 

**annoyance:** i was only trying to help…

 

**leader:** jungwoo understands that, hyuckie, he’s just a little worried right now

 

**high notes:** what time is your practice?

 

**mork is tired:** we still have another ten minutes before i have to start rounding everyone up

 

**dododudu:** how are you two doing?

 

**annoyance:** i just want everything to go back to normal, hyung

 

**mork is tired:** i’m just really fucking terrified for practice

 

**mork is tired:** what if someone says something?

 

**owl noises:** i’m sure everyone can be professional during practice

 

**geoffery:** do you want someone to come to the building? i do need to practice some parts for our song

 

**annoyance:** please

 

**mork is tired:** if it’s not a big problem, then yeah, that’d be great

 

**geoffery:** don’t worry! me and doyoung will be there working on our harmonies

 

**dododudu:** just call us if you need back up - we won’t interfere otherwise

 

**owl noises:** want me to come too?

 

**leader:** no, you’re definitely going to jump in and make things worse

 

**owl noises:** what the fuck

 

**dododudu:** taeyong doesn’t mean it in that way, johnny, he just means the studio will already be a little crowded

 

**dododudu:** weren’t you and ten planning on going out for some coffee anyway?

 

**owl noises:** i mean, yeah

 

**geoffery:** then go, dude, we got this

 

**winnie the pooh:** me and taeyong can try to rework everyone’s schedules a little bit

 

**leader:** yeah, i think we’ll need some time off to work on fixing everything

 

**leader:** mark? how’s that sound?

 

**mork is tired:** it sounds great hyung

 

**mork is tired:** i’m sorry, it’s just… a lot right now

 

**dododudu:** don’t worry, we understand

 

**annoyance:** doyoung-hyung?

 

**dododudu:** yeah, baby?

 

**annoyance:** will everything be okay?

 

**dododudu:** of course, hyuckie

 

**dododudu:** you guys just have a few things to work through right now. this will make you stronger in the end

 

**mork is tired:** but what if it doesn’t?

 

**mork is tired:** what if this is the end?

 

**leader:** you can’t think that way

 

**winnnie the pooh:** you guys are strong enough to make it through this

 

**winnie the pooh:** i know it all seems horrible right now, but everything will be okay

 

**owl noises:** besides, we’ll help in any way that we can

 

**annoyance:** okay, thank you hyungs

 

**dododudu:** of course, hyuckie

 

**mork is tired:** we gotta go though, it’s time to leave for practice

 

**owl noises:** fighting!

  
  


-

  
  


**wow, i love my members**

**[ 2 members ]**

 

**twitter soft voice:** jaeminie, are you okay?

 

**twitter soft voice:** nana?

 

**oof, my back:** i don’t know hyung

 

**oof, my back:** everything’s so confusing right now

 

**twitter soft voice:** do you need me to come over?

 

**oof, my back:** no, hyung, i’ll be fine

 

**oof, my back:** we have practice anyway

 

**twitter soft voice:** baby, please, don’t shut me out

 

**oof, my back:** bye hyung, love you!

 

**twitter soft voice:** nana, wait

 

**twitter soft voice:** nana?

  
  


-

 

**new chat**

**[ 2 members ]**

 

**taeil:** yuta, what the hell is going on?

 

**yuta:** nothing, hyung

 

**yuta:** i’m just saying, renjun makes a valid point

 

**taeil:** renjun made a mistake

 

**yuta:** the dreamies only had problems when jaemin returned

 

**taeil:** i can’t believe you of all people are saying this

 

**yuta:** what’s that supposed to mean?

 

**taeil:** you and jaemin used to be so close as trainees

 

**yuta:** yeah, well

 

**yuta:** maybe it might be better for everyone if jaemin left

 

**taeil:** no

 

**yuta:** it’d be better for him as well

 

**yuta:** i had my doubts about him coming back for a while now

 

**taeil:** is this why you haven’t approached him?

 

**yuta:** his back isn’t gonna hold out, hyung

 

**yuta:** it might be better if he leaves now

 

**yuta:** before there’s a scandal

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo... things are really getting tense right now
> 
> what do you think about renjun's reasoning? about yuta's?   
> i'm not trying to present them as the villains so it's important to me that you guys can relate to them or at least understand why they're acting like this
> 
> and don't worry - we'll get back to jaemin's pov next chapter ;) xx


	6. it's the end of the world as we know it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we >finally< go to dance practice! yay! we're back to jaemin's pov and we might get some new reasons for people's actions
> 
> or-
> 
> a long awaited confrontation comes even closer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> folks, this chapter is a train wreck
> 
> i'll have to rewrite it all lol, but i wanted to update something for you guys
> 
> please don't be too disappointed - i promise the next chapter will be so much better xx
> 
> enjoy! hopefully! :) xx

 

The air in the practice room feels hot, almost stifling. 

 

Music is playing, the bass line thrumming against the walls of the room in harmony with the soft thuds of feet. Sweat drips to the floor, falling off of tired bodies and heavy limbs, barely dragging themselves to the beat of the song.

 

Their instructor is studying the seven boys with a critical gaze, observing the fractures in their supposedly tight-knit ranks. Renjun was dancing separately from the others, avoiding looking at them in the mirror. Jaemin seemed preoccupied, stumbling whenever his eyes accidentally slipped to Renjun, almost flinching away from one of his best friends. The others were in varying states of disarray, from perfect control but a distant gaze to wavering steadiness and a sad look in their eyes. 

 

As the ending of the song came, the boys regrouped towards the center for their finale. Jeno was supposed to grab Renjun’s arm in order to spin him to the other side, but he kept his hands to himself and his jaw set in a hostile manner. Renjun seemed to ignore this completely, choosing instead to push off a little harder than normal. Unfortunately, one boy wasn’t as strong as two, and so the move didn’t look nearly as effective.

 

The boys stood there, holding their positions even though their chests were heaving from the effort. Their instructor regarded them for a couple more seconds, unhappy and confused with their performance. 

 

As the music dwindled away, their instructor clapped his hands for attention. Seven wide eyes swung around to face him, with guilty faces.

 

“What was that, boys?” He scolded, shaking his head. “You completed this dance perfectly yesterday! I need you guys to work together as a group, not as seven separate units.”

 

Chenle and Jisung looked down at their feet, shuffling behind their hyungs slowly. Unconsciously, both of them went closer to Jaemin, who shifted his stance to welcome the younger boys and make them feel more at ease during the scolding.

 

Their instructor let out a deep sigh, rubbing his forehead with exhaustion displeasure. 

 

“Someone give me a good reason for this,” he demanded, his eyes traveling across the members, searching for an answer. 

 

After a couple seconds, Mark moved forward, lifting his head to stare at the teacher. As the leader and the oldest, he was always the first to volunteer himself for the others, deeming himself responsible for their actions.

 

“I’m sorry, hyung, we’re just having an off day today,” he murmured, his voice weary. “We’re a little tired, that’s all.”

 

“I won’t accept that,” the older man responded. “You need to learn this dance, not shuffle through the motions like lifeless puppets! If you can’t perform properly in front of one person, how will you perform on stage? Any personal arguments or petty problems you’re having are gone the second you step foot in here! You may be young, but you are expected to act like professionals, even if you’re tired.”

 

Throughout his lecture, Jaemin’s head seemed to hang lower and lower, his eyes bright and shiny. Chenle looked annoyed at this, huffing as Jisung grabbed his hand, pulling him back when he started to retort. 

 

“Oh, is there something you need to say?” Their instructor asked harshly, looking directly at the two maknaes. “Please, don’t let my humble presence stop you.”

 

Jeno stepped in front of the two, his hands spread out in front of him in order to pacify the older man. Haechan also stepped forward, pulling Chenle and Jisung closer to himself, both of which went reluctantly, not seeming to want to leave Jaemin’s side.

 

“Please, hyung, we’re sorry,” Jeno whispered, his voice almost silent in the room. The other boys also added their own apologies, looking decently chastised.

 

Their instructor frowned, losing his stern look in favor of a worried one. He surveyed the members once more, unhappy with what he was seeing. He didn’t understand what had happened with the group of boys, all of whom were happy yesterday, making nuisances of themselves all throughout practice. What he wouldn’t give for that again… 

 

“Look,” he stated, checking the time on his watch, “why don’t we just call it quits for today?”

 

Immediately, voices rose up in protest, promising that they could do better. The older man held his hand up, halting the objections. 

 

“It’s not a punishment,” he promised. “I know you guys are tired, and I understand why. I think you should go back to the dorms, put on a movie and eat some of the junk food you have hidden where you think we don’t know about it. Just relax for a little bit, okay? We can’t accomplish anything when we’re stressed and not thinking straight.”

 

The boys still looked guilty, but a lot calmer with the reassurance that their favorite teacher wasn’t mad. Chenle sniffed slightly, his lips trembling softly. 

 

The instructor smiled at them, leaning forward to rustle their hair and give them a gentle hug. He quickly extracted promises from them to go home and rest, making quite a few faces smile a little brighter at the prospect.

 

“Thank you, hyung,” Haechan said with a smile, seeming to regain some of his usual happiness at the idea of a break and some time off. The older man only smiled in amusement at the boisterous boy as he began to bounce around the room, gathering the things they had scattered during their breaks.

 

Mark shook his head, seeming to regain his composure with the movement. He started to herd the younger members towards the doors, ignoring Jisung’s protests at the action. Chenle began to chatter loudly, his voice rising with excitement. Mark, with a few careful hints, drew Jisung into the conversation, both boys beginning to debate choices for the movies as they allowed themselves to be pushed out of the door.

 

Jeno laughed in amusement, his normal smile seeming wearier than normal. He turned to Haechan with a soft look in his eyes, quickly striking a conversation with the boy as he moved to collect the water bottles spread all over. The younger laughed in amusement, joking with him about the “babies.”

 

While the group dispersed, the instructor turned to face Jaemin, still standing motionless in the center of the room. As he approached, the older man noticed with apprehension that the teen seemed to be trembling, his shoulders tight and tense. 

 

“Hey, Jaemin-ah,” he began with a soft tone, “are you okay?”

 

The younger seemed to startle at the question, looking up at the teacher with an almost guilty expression. 

 

“Yes, hyung, I’m sorry for being so distracted today,” Jaemin whispered almost inaudibly, his body curling in on itself. “I was just-” the boy broke up, stringing his hands together nervously.

 

“Hey,” the older man said, reaching out to pat his shoulder with a worried look, “you know I’m not mad or anything, right Jaemin-ah? I understand how hard you’re working, especially with all the extra time you’re putting in. It’s alright if you’re tired sometimes.”

 

Jaemin shook his head, avoiding the older man’s warm gaze. “It’s not alright, I’m already so behind,” he replied, his voice almost breaking. 

 

The instructor shook his head in denial, trying to meet the teen’s eyes. “No, you’re not. You’ve learned all the dances remarkably quickly and you’re doing just as good as everyone else is. Maybe even better, considering your setback.”

 

Although the older man had meant for the comment to be a compliment, it only made Jaemin shrink into himself even more, seemingly ashamed. He cursed himself for bringing it up - it was obvious to everyone that Jaemin didn’t appreciate having his injury brought up, so the teachers and managers had decided to avoid any mention of it as long as it wasn’t absolutely necessary. They didn’t want to make the boy any more uncomfortable that he obviously was, having returned after so much time.

 

No matter what he said next, Jaemin would only focus on that one comment. 

 

In a bid to salvage the situation, the older man tried to offer some encouragement. “Come on, Jaemin-ah, you should go catch up with the others before they chose the movie without you! You don’t want to miss out on some fun, do you?”

 

“No, hyung,” the boy responded, biting his lip nervously as his eyes darted across the room, watching as Haechan and Jeno laughed while picking up the trash.

 

“Then go on,” the teacher said with a smile, pushing him gently in the direction of his friend. “I’m sure everything will be okay.”

 

With one last apprehensive look, Jaemin started to walk over to the other two, completely bypassing Renjun who stood in the corner of the room. He didn’t notice the Chinese boy’s gaze fixing on him with a hesitant expression, as though he wanted to approach but he wasn’t sure if he should. 

 

The teacher weighed the merits of approaching the boy, but quickly decided not to. Renjun was fiercely independent, often ignoring any advice in favor of doing his own thing. Before Jaemin left, he used to be the only person who could draw Renjun out of his prickly shell and encourage him to do something else. Now, however, it seemed as though even his advice might be unwelcome.

 

Haechan and Jeno looked up as Jaemin approached, their faces immediately fixing on him with a smile. They urged him to come over, a total difference from their normal behavior. It puzzled both the instructor (who was watching from where he was removing the music)  and Jaemin, who hadn’t been welcomed so eagerly in a couple months.

 

“Help me, Nana,” called out Haechan, beckoning the younger boy over eagerly. He extended an arm out with a water bottle, shaking it as an offering. “I need some help with the water.”

 

“No, help me,” Jeno interjected, pouting at his friend. “I need more help because I have to carry Chenle and Jisung’s stuff, not to mention my own!” 

 

Jaemin looked between the two of them with an uncomfortable look on his face, clearly confused with the excitement. He hesitantly grabbed the bottles from Haechan as well as the bags from Jeno, having decided to help both of them. Waving off their protests, he promised that he could carry both things.

 

The ensuing argument, which erupted between Jeno and Haechan, was amusing for the instructor to watch. The older two boys began to bicker about how they couldn’t make ‘Nana carry everything, Jeno, come on!’ All the while, Jaemin stood there calmly but with a perplexed look in his face, waiting for the two of them to end their squabbling.

 

A couple minutes later, noticing that the other two still haven’t stopped, Jaemin interjected with an amused smile and began to herd the two boys out of the room, similar to how Mark had done with the maknaes earlier. He nodded along to their protests, agreeing with them as though they were bringing up serious points, and not just whining. 

 

At the door, Jaemin pushed the two boys out with a guarantee that he would join them in a second. Then he turned around, hesitantly calling out to Renjun, the only member still left in the practice room.

 

“Hyung,” he asked, respectfully, “are you coming?”

 

The instrucot couldn’t help his interest, especially when the younger called the older by an honorific, something that had been dropped between the two of them almost immediately. If they had returned to that stage, then something must have occurred between the two of them to transform them into strangers once more.

 

When Renjun turned around, a closed off expression on his face, Jaemin’s smile faltered slightly. But the younger boy powered through, urging his friend to hurry up before the van left without them.

 

As Renjun attempted to protest, their instructor (who they had both forgotten about) interrupted before he could finish his sentence. 

 

“Go with Jaemin-ah,” he ordered in a firm tone. “Everyone is done for today. I don’t want to see any of you in the studio until our next practice.”

 

This left Renjun, who was looking quite unhappy, with little options other than to accept Jaemin’s offer and walk with him. As they called out their goodbyes to the old teacher, Renjun grabbed a bag from the younger boy, slinging it over his shoulder and ignoring Jaemin’s objections with practiced ease. 

 

As their footsteps faded away, the instructor's amused smile fell away, leaving behind a worried expression, complete with furrowed brows and a frown. 

 

“I hope they figure out what’s wrong soon,” he mused to himself. “It won’t do them any good to argue, not now.”

  
  


-

  
  


The ride back was… interesting.

 

In the back row, the air was humming with electricity, similar to how its occupants were humming with anxiety. Jaemin was chewing on his lip, stealing glances at Renjun every so often, clearly uncomfortable with the silence. On the other hand, Renjun was steadfastly ignoring the younger boy, looking out the window with music playing through his earphones. 

 

The next row, holding the two maknaes and Jeno, was a whole other story. Jisung was wildly campaigning for some type of superhero movie, one of the new releases, while Chenle was screeching in protest, claiming that they should watch one of the old Disney cartoons (most likely Frozen, more the thousandth time). Jeno, stuck in the middle, was attmepting to negotiate between the two of them as well as convince them to watch a Rom-Com (he for some reason had an unusual fondness for the American movies, especially after Mark had introduced him to “Mean Girls” sometime after their debut).

 

In the front, Mark and Haechan had their heads close together, clearly debating something in low voices. Had they been paying any attention to the debate behind them, the two would have undoubtedly joined in (quite vocally). However, they seemed to be distracted.

 

Jaemin couldn’t hear what they were talking about over the drama in the middle row, so he resigned himself to an awkward ride back home. He wanted to talk to Renjun, to clear up what had happened that morning, but something was holding him back. It was the very same thing Jaemin had been ignoring the feeling since this morning, since a couple weeks ago, since the very first day he returned. Renjun made him nervous.

 

Jaemin didn’t know why he felt like this, but he was no longer comfortable with his friend. He had naively thought that everything would go back to normal after he returned from his injury, but nothing was the same. Renjun seemed to be avoiding him, Jisung and Chenle were either begging him for help with some random task or nowhere to be seen, Jeno was stammering whenever Jaemin spoke to him, Haechan seemed to be holding him at arm's length, and Mark was as awkward as always (the only constant).

 

The horrible thing was that it came as a surprise, and it shouldn’t have.

 

He had seen the others grow closer without him, but he foolishly expected that they would leave a place in their ranks for him. When he returned, there was no hole, no area for Jaemin to insert himself.

 

Jaemin, insecure in his worth, had approached Renjun in the very beginning. He still remembered the older boy’s answer, the way that he shuffled his feet in discomfort. His words echoed in Jaemin’s head, reminding him of that stupid, stupid conversation.

 

He closed his eyes, resting his cheek against the cool window. If he thought hard enough, he could reimagine the scene exactly. It wasn’t difficult; he saw it every night in his dreams.

 

Slowly, he tuned out the argument in front of him, his breath evening out as he drifted off to sleep… 

 

-

 

_ “Renjun!” Jaemin called, jogging after the older boy. The dance practice had finished and everyone was starting to leave for their dorms, giving Jaemin the perfect opportunity to get some answers from his friend. He had debated on who to ask, but eventually decided that Renjun would be his best choice - he would be the only who would give him a straight answer. _

 

_ His friend stopped, his brows furrowed as he looked behind at Jaemin. “What?” He asked, his voice slightly snappy. Jaemin quickly disregarded his tone as tiredness. _

 

_ “Can I talk to you?” _

 

_ Renjun rolled his eyes. “What about?”  _

 

_ Jaemin hesitated slightly, rocking on his heels. He put on his most charming smile and looked at Renjun. “I just wanna talk about some things,” he promised. “Please?” _

 

_ “Now?” The older boy said, looking exhausted at the prospect. Renjun searched Jaemin’s expression for some type of clue, but Jaemin kept his face open and calm, doing his best not to reveal his inner turmoil. His stomach was swirling at the idea of a confrontation, but his mind was made up. _

 

_ “Please,” Jaemin begged. “It won’t take too long.” _

 

_ Renjun frowned, huffing in response. He leaned down and grabbed Jaemin’s wrist, holding it loosely as he dragged him to a nearby room. Jaemin smiled in victory, following the other boy with a slightly higher level of confidence. _

 

_ When they entered the dark and, thankfully, empty studio, Renjun flipped on the lights after some fumbling. Then he turned and, jutting out his hip, raised an eyebrow in silent demand.  _

 

_ Jaemin grinned nervously, clearing his throat. Now that he was here, everything seemed to be going too fast. He wasn’t prepared for this to actually happen. Maybe it was stupid, maybe he should just leave it be.  _

 

_ The younger boy shifted his weight, starting to get lost in his doubt. He was brought out of his thoughts by Renjun’s voice, demanding an answer.  _

 

_ “Umm…” He stumbled over his words.  _

 

_ “Come on, Jaemin,” Renjun said, scowling, “I don’t have time for this.” _

 

_ “It’s dumb, umm, I…” As Jaemin kept stammering, Renjun’s eyes narrowed more and more. He felt his face heat up, worried that the older boy was getting angry at his inability to say a normal sentence.  _

 

_ “I’m gonna leave if you don’t-” Renjun began to threaten, but was cut off by Jaemin’s panicked exclamation.  _

 

_ “I’m sorry! Please don’t,” He pleaded, reaching out to grab Renjun’s hand. “I just need to ask you something, because you’re the only person who’ll be completely honest with me.” _

 

_ The older boy’s irritated expression began to clear in the face of Jaemin’s panic, transforming into curioustiy and a little bit of worry. He reassured Jaemin he would stay with a quick squeeze of his hand, a familiar and comforting gesture that gave Jaemin courage to continue. _

 

_ “I want to know,” Jaemin whispered, avoiding looking at Renjun’s face, “what you guys are thinking. It kind of feels like you’re uncomfortable with me here? And I just want to know if that’s all my imagination or if it’s something real…” _

 

_ When Renjun pulled his hands away, his expression shocked and closed-off, Jaemin scrambled for a better wording, desperate to fix the situation. _

 

_ “I mean,” Jaemin said with a fake laugh, “that’s not true, right? You guys do want me here, right?” _

 

_ Renjun kept quiet, making the air feel ten times heavier, as though it were suffocating both of them. The distance between them, a simple two meters, had never seemed so pronounced until now. _

 

_ After a long time, in which Jaemin had withdrawn into himself, Renjun finally made a sound.  _

 

_ “Don’t be ridiculous,” he replied in a voice barely louder than a whisper. “Of course we want you here.” Renjun’s tight smile, looking so uncomfortable, only seemed to reinforce the actual message. _

 

_ Even as Jaemin smiled (way too brightly) in response, he felt his heart shattering in his chest, the pieces lodging themselves into his lungs and constricting his breathing. _

 

_ There was his answer. _

 

_ They didn’t want him here. _

 

-

 

Jaemin jerked away, the hand that was shaking his shoulder falling away. He looked up, trying to calm his wildly beating heart. Renjun’s dark eyes stared back at him, wide with something that looked like worry. It couldn’t be. 

 

“Are you okay?” The older boy asked, still leaning over him. Jaemin couldn’t help but panic at the proximity, his skin thrumming with anxiety. 

 

Jaemin quickly nodded, babbling out some excuse as he started disentangling himself from his seatbelt. Renjun began to lean back, allowing him more room to struggle with the buckle, listening to his mindless chatter with a concerned expression. 

 

“Jaemin,” Renjun finally whispered, grabbing at his wrist in an effort to stop the younger’s desperate and unsuccessful attempts to free himself. He waited until Jaemin stopped and then waited until the younger looked up at him, hesitant and fearful.

 

“Are you okay?” Renjun asked again, the question heavy. It seemed like the question meant more than just that, as though it wasn’t asking for an answer to that moment, but to all day, and to all the weeks and months. It wasn’t something Jaemin could answer.

 

Suddenly, a foreign feeling of anger washing over him, Jaemin ripped his hand out of Renjun’s grasp. He was just about to retort, to snap out some answer that he would have regretted within seconds, when he lost all strength. Jaemin couldn’t hurt his friend, no matter how badly he had been hurt himself. So instead he just forced on a smile, trying to cover the sound of falling apart with a soft response.

 

He then forced himself to ignore Renjun’s worried looks, working on getting out of the car. As he stood to leave, Renjun was finally forced to retreat as well.

 

The cool air whispered against his face, ruffling his hair. Jaemin made himself avoid looking at Renjun, beginning the walk up the stairs to their dorms. 

 

There was no need to bring up skeletons in the closet, now when they were so settled. If he had survived for six months like this, alone in a group of people, then he could survive another six months, and then another six. 

  
  
After all, if there was a problem, it would have been fixed beforehand. Nothing can remain broken for so long without being noticed. Therefore, everything was fine. It must be fine.

 

If he could survive without the group, then he could survive without them once more. There was no need to cause problems. 

 

Jaemin was a cracked cup repaired with glue; some pieces just couldn’t fit. Not anymore.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope it wasn't too jumbled?? maybe you guys at least understood what i was getting at?
> 
> also, i wanted to take a quick poll! 
> 
> what do you think about the group chats? someone brought up a good point that the usernames might be too hard to keep track! would you guys rather that i go back and change things to have the same usernames?
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this chapter, at least slightly! let me know what you think in the comments! xx


	7. who said i was unhappy?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> well,, it's been a while 
> 
> the long awaited confrontation approaches! our favorite maknaes get a chance to be in the spotlight! jaemin is doing.. ok?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry this took so long to come out! i didn't mean to make you guys wait that long but i had a lot of work to do these past couple of weeks! also, i got a little stuck with where to go from last chapter... :')
> 
> still, i hope you guys enjoy this chapter because i made sure it was nice and long in order to make up for how long you had to wait! as always, please let me know what you think! ;) xx
> 
> -
> 
> because a lot of you guys said you didn't really mind the group chats, i'm keeping the ones in past chapters the same! however, i don't think i'll add anymore, so that might make things easier!
> 
> screen names for "is this the real life? or is this just a dream?"
> 
> oh cap'n my cap'n: mark  
> kaREN: renjun  
> jeNO: jeno  
> crazy rich asian: chenle  
> maknae swag: jisung  
> glen coco: haechan

**is this the real life? or is this just a dream?**

**[ 2 members ]**

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n has added kaREN, crazy rich asian, glen coco, and maknae swag to the chat**

 

**glen coco:** mark what the fuck

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** we need to talk 

 

**crazy rich asian:** hyung i said i didn’t want to be added back until renjun figures out what the fuck he’s doing

 

**maknae swag:** i don’t wanna talk to him either

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** we have to be reasonable about this guys

 

**glen coco:** reasonable about kicking someone out?

 

**jeNO:** if he’s just gonna try hurt jaemin then maybe he should be the one to leave

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** this isn’t helping either

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** you agreed that we need to talk about this @hyuck

 

**maknae swag:** well then where is he? why isn’t he responding?

 

**jeNO:** i don’t know about this hyung

 

**crazy rich asian:** i’m not talking to him right now

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** chenle… 

 

**crazy rich asian:** no hyung, we’re supposed to be watching a movie with jaemin-hyung

 

**jeNO:** chenle’s right, we can talk later

 

**maknae swag:** me and chenle can make the popcorn

 

**glen coco:** i’ll put a movie in

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** guys

 

**crazy rich asian:** we’ll talk later hyung

  
  


-

  
  


Jisung looked up from his phone, immediately zoning in on the figure on the other end of the couch. They were sitting curled up, looking smaller than ever, with their eyes fixed to the screen, a tight expression on their face.

 

“Are you going to be reasonable when we talk?” Jisung asked, his voice trembling with barely restrained anger. The older boy didn’t give any sign of hearing him, just sitting as still as a statue.

 

As Jisung sat there, glaring at the other boy, he thought about the mess that had transpired since the damned texts this morning. Everything had dissolved so quickly, as though it were already on the verge of collapse, as though only a light breeze was needed to send the whole castle down. And the light breeze wasn’t gentle, it was more of a battering ram that slammed into the relative peace of the castle, shaking its inhabitants to the bone. Then the battering ram had the nerve to say that it didn’t mean to cause a problem, that it only meant to fix an existing problem. But how could destroying the castle have fixed anything?

 

The maknae quickly shook his head to get rid of thoughts about a battering ram about his head, disgusted that the metaphor had run off like that. However, although that retelling was a little dramatic, there was no denying the truth in it - Renjun’s proposal had come at a completely inappropriate time.

 

When Jisung first saw the text, he didn’t know what to think. On one hand, he didn’t want to believe that his dear hyung - who was mean to everyone but never to them, not in a way that was meant to hurt - wanted to kick one of his best friends out of the group. But when everyone started getting angry, and when Chenle started crying next to him, then Jisung started to feel a storm brewing in him. Although it had been awkward after Jaemin’s return, Jisung would never trade that feeling, not for anything. And definitely not for a feeling of emptiness, one that had stayed for months. 

 

While Jaemin was gone, Jisung felt like he was falling, like the world was breaking apart underneath him and he didn’t know how to reach solid ground. His hyung, always so gentle and helpful and loving, was gone. Jaemin had always been there for him after a long day, holding out a water bottle and urging the maknae to rest with encouraging words and a warm smile. He was always there when Jisung got hungry in the middle of the night and went to whine for Jaemin to make him something to eat, even when his hyung was already in bed. Jaemin was the one Jisung went to when practice got too much, when his legs hurt and he didn’t think he could bear to wake up in the morning in order to do it all again. The older never made fun of him, never teased him like the others would have - he only smiled and pulled Jisung under the covers with him, letting him relax against a constant and steady presence. 

 

Then, one day, that steady presence that had been holding Jisung up had vanished. Jaemin was gone in a whirlwind of managers and doctors and tears, his bed empty and cold when Jisung went to his room. And no matter how much Jisung begged, no matter how much it hurt for him to do so, he wasn’t allowed to contact his hyung. 

 

Chenle had found him that first night, curled up under the covers of Jaemin’s bed that suddenly seemed too big and uncomfortable, no longer as welcoming. The older boy didn’t say a word, just slipped under the blanket and cuddled up to Jisung, his body shaking with silent tears. They laid there for hours, offering silent comfort to each other now throughout the long night. 

 

When the morning came, with the sun teasing its way through the cracks in the curtain, Jisung woke up to a warm body next to him. Momentarily forgetting what had happened, he turned with Jaemin’s name on his lips, only to freeze at the sight of Chenle. His smile fell almost as quickly as it had appeared and, for the first time since he had received the news, tears trailed down his cheeks. 

 

And then he sat there, on a familiar bed with a different body, waiting for something to happen. But nothing happened, nothing that he wanted at least. 

 

Mark came in a couple of minutes later, the bags under his eyes more prominent than ever and with a strained smile. He placed a warm hand on Jisung’s shoulder and drew the boy into a hug, but Jisung couldn’t help but think about how wrong it felt, about how the hug was nowhere near as comforting as Jaemin’s was. 

 

They sat there for a little while, long enough for Jeno to wake up in the other bed, his eyes bloodshot from a lack of sleep. Without a word, he joined the hug with trembling lips, piling onto a bed meant for one. 

 

The other two came looking, both seeming as though they had aged years in one night. With a sad smile, Donghyuck tugged onto Renjun’s hand, pulling the smaller boy into the mess of bodies on the bed. Chenle had also woken up at some point and had plastered himself to Jeno’s back, ignoring the worrying creaks of the bed. They all sat there, curled up in a big group that still seemed too small, waiting for someone else to come join them with a large smile and a camera proclaiming the prank successful. But Jaemin wasn’t that type of person, and no one came in. No one came in for a couple of months. 

 

Jisung still remembered the remainder of that morning: Mark and Renjun stumbling through the kitchen, looking supremely uncomfortable, as they attempted to make a breakfast that was normally waiting for them; Donghyuck and Jeno attempting to cheer everyone up, their jokes as empty as their eyes; Chenle sitting in a chair by himself, his head resting on his hands, silent for the first time. 

 

When the managers came to pick them up for practice, they looked tired and worried and regretful. They didn’t bother to reprimand them for their tardiness or messiness, only gently urged them to hurry up and prepare to go to practice. Later, they didn’t bother to scold them when practice fell apart, six boys stumbling over an empty space where there should be a seventh body. 

 

Jisung felt lost for days, struggling to get used to the loss. Whenever he made a joke or did something good, he automatically attempted to avoid the teasing hands that would pull at his cheeks and praise him. Whenever the dance instructor scolded him for his performance, he turned to the empty space behind him where there should have been a reassuring smile and a soft encouragement. Whenever he got hungry, his feet automatically took him to his hyung’s room in order to beg for some food. But, every time, there was nothing there.

 

Finally, when the feeling of loss had faded, the space in his chest just felt empty. Without his hyung there to support him and protect him from the world, he didn’t feel as confident. He felt as though he was missing a part of himself, as though it would come wandering back any minute. 

 

He saw the same thing happening to everyone else. Chenle would stumble over his pronunciation and pause, waiting for a loud voice to jump in with a correction or a diversion. Jeno would trip over his feet and almost fall to the floor because he expected hands to reach out and catch him. Renjun would roll his eyes when someone did something dumb and look around the room, trying to catch a sympathetic gaze that wasn’t there. Donghyuck would make a comment about some new movie or some new restaurant, and then look crestfallen when no one jumped up to offer to go with him. And Mark, their poor overworked leader, would begin herding everyone to their next location, waiting for someone to jump in with him, urging everyone to listen with a considerate and commanding air.

 

It was painful, waiting for someone that was no longer there. Their managers and older hyungs looked like they were waiting for one of the Dreamies to break, walking around them as though they were ticking time bombs. 

 

However, no one could wait forever, nothing could stay broken forever. The Dreamies were resilient and they repaired the cracks in their ranks. 

 

Mark learned how to cook a simple meal; Donghyuck took on the role of supporting their leader's decisions with his own louder voice; Jeno spent more time with the maknaes in order to cheer them up; Renjun became Chenle’s buffer when he needed help with speaking; Chenle started making more jokes, jumping around everyone in order to bring up the mood; and Jisung started to take care of himself.

 

It was hard. They still fell apart when they were alone or in those rare moments when they forgot Jaemin wasn’t there anymore. But they did it and they survived and they cursed themselves for it.

 

Jisung couldn’t help but blame himself for not noticing. He had danced with Jaemin for so long, longer than the other Dreamies because Jaemin often offered to help him if Jisung wanted to stay longer to work on the choreography. Jisung hadn’t realized Jaemin was having problems until he was gone, and he couldn’t help but think it could have been prevented. 

 

Everyone had felt guilty those first few weeks and there were quite a few arguments as to who they should blame, mainly because everyone felt as though they were the only ones to blame. Jisung, personally, never stopped feeling that way, not even after Jaemin returned. 

 

And considering the matter of blame, Jisung couldn’t help but feel a ridiculous feeling of nervousness. He was worried that his hyung would also think that he was responsible, that he didn’t do anything to help, that he didn’t care. Jisung cared about Jaemin and it felt like it would kill him if the older got mad at him. Logically, he knew that Jaemin would never blame him, not for this - however, logic got thrown out the window when faced with feelings. And the feeling of being incomplete, of being the one to blame, of being lost, never went away.

 

The Dreamies, minus a member, had felt incomplete for so long. However, as the months went by, they managed to put themselves together, to patch up the hole left behind. They began to cling to each other more and more, to distract themselves. They, in a way, replaced Jaemin with take-out, with music, with boxes on the empty bed. They tried to ignore the fact that they had a seventh member because it hurt too much to think about. Of course, this all backfired spectacularly when Jaemin himself returned.

 

Jisung tried to move the boxes from the bed, metaphorically, of course, in order to make room for his hyung. However, he was older now, forced to mature so quickly without Jaemin to help him. He didn’t know how to make a space for the older in his new life because he had built it to help him survive without Jaemin, so, naturally, there was no room for him. 

 

The others had all done the same, replaced their friend with meaningless distractions. But, after so much time, the distractions had solidified themselves into coping mechanisms, and it was difficult to get rid of them so easily. 

 

The first day Jaemin got back, he had attempted to hug Jisung, who stiffened in the familiar hold. Something which used to bring him so much comfort was now gone, only bringing him pain and uncomfortableness. He, selfishly, was happy when Jaemin let go, a strained smile on his face. 

 

The change, which came just as abruptly as the first one, was difficult to get used to. Having spent so long ignoring the elephant in the room, it was almost impossible to become friendly with it once again. They now felt like a six-member group, with no room left for a seventh dancer. 

 

Jaemin tried to integrate himself into their new dynamics, but the members were so standoffish, not allowing him a space in their ranks. Jisung hated to watch it, but he couldn’t bear to talk to Jaemin anymore, not while he still felt so guilty. He saw Jaemin’s smile grow smaller and smaller until one day it didn’t appear at all. He knew that was when they had lost him, when he had stopped trying to truly belong. 

 

The most painful part? Jisung had witnessed how everyone pushed Jaemin away, but the boy kept coming back. He didn’t try to become friendly with them, not how he had before, but he did try to make them happy. He still encouraged Jisung when he needed it, helped Mark when he was too tired to convince the others, offered to take Donghyuck out whenever he wanted a break, spoke with Chenle when he wanted to work on pronounciation, worked on homework with Jeno when he couldn’t figure out a problem, and made tea for Renjun whenever his voice started to hurt. 

 

They never reciprocated, too caught up in a painful past to recognize the present. It was ridiculous, that they were so selfish, but Jisung supposed that everyone had always taken Jaemin’s kindness for granted. The older boy just cared so much that it never mattered if anyone cared in response. Jisung himself had taken advantage of this fact so many times, guilt coiling around his heart when the older boy smiled at him.

 

They were a mess, a broken puzzle with jagged edges, and Jaemin was trying to fix them. How funny, when they were broken because of him. Not because it was his fault, but because of his injury and his kindness. 

 

It all came to a head when Renjun, always the most explosive, had said what they were all thinking. Would it have been better if Jaemin had never come back? Would they have survived without him?

 

Jisung, before his anger, had felt a sickening moment of understanding, as though he could sympathize with Renjun’s words, as awful as they were. However, when his anger, his protectiveness for his favorite hyung, had finally exploded, he felt like a hypocrite. What right did he have to get angry at Renjun if he had thought about the same things?

 

Everything was so confusing these days, but there was one thing this mess of a day had made clear. Jisung had made a huge mistake with how he had treated Jaemin, one that he would need to fix as soon as possible.

 

Well, as soon as Jaemin finished with his shower.

  
  


-

  
  


Chenle sat on his bed, staring at the group chat.

 

He knew two languages, could talk and write and communicate in both of them. But there were no words, no possible way to express what he felt, not even if he knew one hundred more languages.

 

Jaemin was someone he loved dearly, someone that had always been there for him until he couldn’t. Jaemin was his buffer, someone who would jump in whenever Chenle had a problem with speaking or whenever he got nervous. He was always ready to listen to Chenle’s problems with a gentle smile and cup of hot chocolate, even when the younger boy wasn’t able to make sense of what he was trying to say in Korean. He always made sure Chenle was comfortable with the dance, that he had understood what the dance instructor’s face-paced Korean had meant, something no one else had done. He made sure Chenle had friends and things to do, that the Chinese boy didn’t feel lonely in a large country that felt too big for him sometimes. Chenle was so, so grateful to him for that.

 

In fact, Chenle could remember one particular instance from when they had first debuted which showed him the extent of Jaemin’s kindness. 

 

When he had first arrived at the new dorms, he had been so nervous, not yet confident in his Korean or his singing. He was one of the youngest so he was worried the older members would think he was being disrespectful when he made a mistake with his Korean. He was worried the older members would think he was dumb when he couldn’t understand them, that it would prevent him from making any friends.

 

One day, he felt especially awful. He made mistakes in his pronunciation while singing, causing the managers to get frustrated with him. Then he didn’t understand the instructions from the dance teacher, causing him to go left when he should have gone right, something which earned him a lecture on the importance of listening to those older than him (not that he could understand it that well). Then on their way home, he didn’t realize what the older members had ordered at the restaurant so he wasn’t able to tell them that he was allergic to that ingredient, which meant he ended up without dinner. 

 

Chenle had been sitting in the corner of his bed, feeling so very sorry for himself, when Jaemin had knocked on the door and stuck his head in. The older boy walked in and sat next to him, chattering about some random thing. Chenle normally didn’t understand the other members because they spoke fast and used words he didn’t know, but he understood Jaemin because the boy made sure to speak in a slower manner and to use basic words. Although it should have made him feel belittled, to be spoken to as though he were a child, all Chenle could feel was relief at finally understanding something in Korean. He slowly began to relax, even responding to Jaemin after a while of listening.

 

After a couple of minutes of conversation, Chenle’s stomach growled, making him blush a furious red. Jaemin only smiled at his embarrassment, suggesting that they make some dinner that they could both eat. When Chenle hesitantly asked if the older boy had already eaten, Jaemin simply shrugged and claimed that he didn’t like what the others had gotten.

 

Somehow, although Chenle was feeling guilty at making the older boy cook for him so late, he found himself in the kitchen, explaining one of his favorite foods to Jaemin as he started to cook. It was a Chinese recipe, nothing too complicated, but still something that he hadn’t had since he left China. 

 

When Jaemin had finished, he apologized for how it turned out, saying he wasn’t sure if it would taste good because he had never made it before. But Chenle didn’t care if it wasn’t perfect, he simply threw his arms around Jaemin and hugged the older boy as though his life depended on it. The food wasn’t flawless, but it was really good, and it was such a nice thought that it brought tears to Chenle’s eyes. 

 

The familiar meal and the relaxed atmosphere helped with Chenle’s homesickness, making him feel as though everything might just be alright. He still missed his home, but he felt a lot less alone with Jaemin beside him.

 

The next couple of months were almost perfect: he started making friends among the other members, Jisung especially, and became more articulate in his Korean. Jaemin was still there, always enthusiastic to try his hand at a Chinese recipe or to help with some tricky grammar. 

 

However, out of nowhere, Chenle’s world had flipped upside down when the news came. Jaemin was gone and no one knew if he would come back, if he would be okay. Chenle heard the others talking, but everything started to sound jumbled, like one huge mess of sound that was unfamiliar and unwelcoming and harsh. 

 

Chenle didn’t remember a lot about those first couple days, just that everyone was unhappy and that he spent a lot of time crying. He begged the managers for a chance to talk to Jaemin, just for a minute or two, but was turned down gently every time. 

 

It would be another couple of months before he heard Jaemin’s voice once more.

 

When he finally did, it was a shock, as though someone had thrown ice water on him. Jaemin looked older, a little more tired, but still with the same gentle smile Chenle remembered. When the older boy hugged him, Chenle didn’t want to let go, not after so long. 

 

He didn’t know how to express his guilt, his happiness, all his jumbled up feelings, to Jaemin. The older boy didn’t understand Chinese, but it wasn’t like Chenle would be able to explain it in Chinese anyways. How do you tell someone you’re sorry? For moving on without them, for winning awards without them, for living their dreams without them? How do you say you’ve missed them, that your chest hurt when they were gone? 

 

There were no words, and so Chenle didn’t say anything.

 

He tried to make up for it in actions: he attempted to bake a messy cake with Jaemin’s help, resulting in a lot of laughter and a lump that was thrown directly into the trash; he helped Jaemin with his new parts, offering to sing with him and to help him catch up on the old choreography he had missed; he dragged the older boy with him to the movies and around town and to all the places he wanted to explore with him.

 

But it wasn’t the same, everything was so different. Chenle felt as though he was trying to make memories in the past while they were both in the present, like he was trying to make up for all the lost time, like he was trying to apologize for everything.

 

When Renjun said he wanted Jaemin to leave, Chenle was sad. He did feel a little uncomfortable, but he wouldn’t trade Jaemin for the world. He just wanted to make new memories with his first friend, to help him feel accepted in the group he was forced to leave. 

 

Throughout the entire day, guilt swirled in his belly, a lump in his throat that he couldn’t seem to get rid of. He should have said something, should have done something more. Now everything seemed to be falling apart around them, except this time he could see it happening.

 

On their way home, he felt horribly aware of the tension in the air. He made sure to make a lot of noise in order to drown it out, in order to help Jaemin ignore Renjun’s attitude next to him. Chenle didn’t think it worked all that well because Jaemin ran straight into the shower the second they got home. 

 

Chenle gripped his phone a little tighter, glaring at the group chat. Everything was going to be okay, he would make sure of it.

 

If anyone wanted to get rid of Jaemin, then Chenle would put up a fight. 

 

He wasn’t going to lose him, not after he just got him back.

  
  


-

  
  


Doyoung sat in the kitchen in the NCT 127 dorm, thoughts and worries swirling around his mind. He was drinking tea, but it had long gone cold. 

 

How long had this been going on? Why hadn’t he said anything? Why had he listened to the others when they said they should wait?

 

He didn’t realize he was holding the cup so hard until it slipped from his grasp, his hand shaking. Doyoung gasped, lunging for the cup a little too late, missing it by an inch. The sound of it hitting the floor echoed in the room, tea splashing and glass shattering, the remnants going everywhere. 

 

Johnny ran into the room seconds later, a look of worry on his face. He took in the scene, Doyoung sitting at the table with wide eyes, his hands shaking, and a broken cup on the floor in front of him. The older boy couldn’t help but think Doyoung looked like he hadn’t slept in days, the entire situation clearly taking its toll on him.

 

“Don’t move,” he ordered, turning away to grab the broom. Johnny was wearing slippers, which was a lot better than Doyoung’s bare feet. 

 

He bent down to clean up the shards of glass, wincing as he noticed that the cup was Doyoung's favorite, a birthday gift from the Dreamies. He knew the vocalist would be disappointed that he had broken it. 

 

“Johnny,” Doyoung mumbled, his voice shaking as bad as his hands, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to drop it.” 

 

Johnny exclaimed in concern as Doyoung started to climb off the chair, almost landing directly on a large piece of glass. He quickly dropped the broom and tried to push the younger boy back down, getting really worried when Doyoung was almost unresponsive to his words.

 

“What’s going on?” Taeyong asked, Ten peering over his shoulder with wide eyes. “What happened?”

 

Relieved, Johnny turned around, gesturing for the other two to come over. He was holding a trembling Doyoung against his body, the vocalist literally leaning against him, his cheek resting on his shoulder. He quickly deposited a silent Doyoung into Ten’s arms, telling him to take the vocalist to bed. Ten was still confused, but his eyebrows were furrowed in worry as he listened to the older boy, beginning to lead Doyoung out of the room. 

 

Taeyong quickly grabbed the forgotten broom, sweeping up the shards. “Johnny, tell me what’s happening,” he ordered, pinning him with a stern look.

 

“I came into the room when I heard a crash, and Doyoung was just sitting there shaking. I told him not to move because of the glass, but he started to get off the chair so I went to stop him. Then you guys came in. I don’t know what’s wrong with him,” Johnny explained, grabbing the paper towels to mop up the tea, his hand shaking slightly from his own worry.

 

“Everything is so confusing,” Taeyong responded, shaking his head. “One member’s problems belong to all. We need to help the Dreamies before everything goes to hell.”

 

After that disquieting statement, the two finished their work in silence. 

  
  


-

  
  


“The past can hurt, but the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it…” 

 

Rafiki’s words seemed to strike a chord within all the boys, making them wince. They were watching ‘The Lion King’ in order to distract themselves, not to get scolded by a cartoon character. The fact that Jaemin has a particular love for this Disney movie was irrelevant (at least, so said a flustered Donghyuck when he revealed the chosen movie).

 

The members were all dispersed throughout the room, with Mark and Donhyuck sandwiched on one end of the couch and Renjun lying alone on the other. Jeno was sprawled between them, holding a bowl of popcorn that was slightly burnt. Jisung and Chenle had grabbed Jaemin the second he left the shower, pushing him down into the other couch and then cuddling into either side.

 

For Jaemin, it was warm and comfortable, with music softly playing from his favorite movie and his dongsaengs surrounding him with their warmth. He had to admit that this was all he wanted for months now, to feel wanted by those he loved. Jaemin wasn’t foolish enough to think it would last, but he was happy to indulge them for as long as they wanted to keep up with the charade.

 

This entire day was so confusing. Jaemin didn’t know what he had missed that morning, but he woke up to everyone acting weirdly. Donghyuck and Renjun almost got into a fight, Jeno wasn't looking at them, Mark was tense and worried, and the maknaes were disgruntled. He didn’t know how to help so he stayed silent, especially because it seemed as though Donghyuck and Renjun got into an argument because of him.

 

“Hyung,” Jisung whispered, nudging his shoulder gently in order to get Jaemin’s attention. “Do you want some popcorn?”

 

Jaemin smiled at the offer, looking at the blush on Jisung’s face. He tried to pull his hand out from between his and Chenle’s body, but the Chinese boy protested the movement by grabbing onto it. Left with no hand, Jaemin shrugged up at Jisung, thanking him for the offer. To his surprise, Chenle leaned over and grabbed some popcorn in his own hand, turning to Jaemin with his eyebrow raised in a silent question. Amused, Jaemin opened his mouth and allowed the younger boy to feed him, giggling at the look of concentration he had on his face.

 

Jisung turned bright red at the action and hid his face away into Jaemin’s shoulder, still holding the popcorn awkwardly. Chenle just smiled happily at Jaemin, prompting him to open his mouth once more. 

 

Because Jaemin was occupied with the maknaes and their crazy ideas, he didn’t notice the silent tension between Jeno and Renjun. When Renjun had stretched his leg out slightly, Jeno had snatched it back as though he had been burned instead of bumped. This lead to Renjun pulling away even further, huddling into the corner of the couch and blinking tears away at the disgusted rejection by his best friend. Jeno just huffed, steadfastly ignoring the smaller boy.

 

Mark and Donghyuck were mumbling about something, their heads close together with the younger boy almost sitting in Mark’s lap. They kept glancing towards the others then quickly darting back into conversation. 

 

As Simba started to return home once more, Jaemin’s eyes started to close. He barely noticed Jisung and Chenle’s hushed conversation over him, not even stirring when Jisung got up with a huff. He felt someone throw a blanket over him and someone else pull him into a more comfortable position. He dozed off completely with the beginnings of the next song and with a gentle hand carding through his hair. 

 

While Jaemin was comfortable and asleep, the tension in the room seemed to rise. Mark sent a firm look at everyone, wordlessly reminding them of their earlier promise. With a displeased frown, Jisung got up from the couch and turned to help Chenle disentangle himself from Jaemin, both boys doing their best not to wake him. They immediately froze when Jaemin started to shift, but, luckily, he settled with a soft sigh. 

 

Donghyuck, a couple of meters away, grimaced. Jaemin was a light sleeper, normally waking at the quietest of sounds. It was one of his most endearing qualities, especially because he only did so because he was worried noises might mean that someone needed something. If he didn’t wake up at that action, gentle as it was, then he must have been seriously exhausted. 

 

The Dreamies, as soon as they were all standing and positive that Jaemin was still asleep, turned to leave the room as quietly as possible. They left the movie on in order to make sure big changes in volume didn’t wake Jaemin.

 

As they crept out of the dorms and climbed up to the roof, the pressure surrounding them tightened until it felt like a rubber band ready to snap. No one said a word so the only sounds were from the movie inside and the distant rumble of cars. The night air was cool on their faces, but not uncomfortable.

 

“So,” Mark started, his face twisted with strain, “We need to talk.”

 

“I said all I needed to say,” snapped Donghyuck, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms. “Renjun needs to think about what he says because something like that I can’t forgive.”

 

Renjun stayed silent, looking small and alone in the middle of the room as the other boys spread out. Mark went to Donghyuck, sitting on the wall next to him. Chenle and Jisung huddled together on the floor, and Jeno plopped down in front of them. 

 

“Ge,” Chenle said, his voice firm, “I want to hear your reasons.”

 

Jisung nodded beside him. “I also want to know why you said that. Aren’t you friends with Jaemin-hyung?”

 

Renjun sighed, a hand coming up to rub at his eyes. He knew that everyone wanted to know what he meant, but he wasn’t sure how to say it without sounding like an asshole again.

 

“I didn’t mean I wanted to hurt Jaemin,” he whispered, staring at his bare feet. “I only wanted to say that it’d be better if he wasn’t here. If not for us, then for himself. He’s just hurting himself by staying here. We’re hurting him.”

 

Jeno shook his head with a snort. “Oh, stop sounding like the victim. That’s not what you said earlier at all.”

 

“But that’s what I meant,” Renjun replied, looking up to meet Jeno’s unimpressed gaze. “If we can’t function around Jaemin, then maybe he shouldn’t stay with us. You guys know that his back still hurts. If we can’t even get ourselves together enough to be good friends to him, then maybe it would be better if he left. Maybe he could be happy somewhere else because we’re just destroying him as long as he stays with us.”

 

Mark frowned, opening his mouth to respond, but Donghyuck jumped in before he could.

 

“You can’t take that decision away from him,” he hissed angrily. “It’s not up to you to decide whether or not he gets to stay, not when he’s worked so hard to come back.”

 

“I agree,” Jisung said. “It’s just gonna hurt Jaemin-hyung even more if we tell him we want him to leave.”

 

Renjun began to pace, shaking his head at their words. “But it’s already hurting him! We can’t just continue doing this. I mean, look at us, we couldn’t get through dance practice today!”

 

“Oh, and who’s fault is that?” Jeno criticized. “It’s not like we’re the ones who decided to yell at him this morning and then cause a million problems for everyone else!”

 

“I can’t live like this anymore!” Renjun yelled back, hands clenched angrily at his sides. “I can’t walk around the dorm wondering when the other shoe is going to fucking drop! Waiting for when the manager is gonna come in and say ‘Oh, I’m sorry, Jaemin isn’t coming home today’! I refuse to go through that again!”

 

Chenle snorted, pushing himself to his feet. “So you just want to kick him out now?” he accused, “Not even think about how he’s feeling?”

 

“Stop twisting my words!” Renjun snarled, “I said I don’t want to hurt him!”   
  


Mark shook his head, “And you think this is better?”

 

“No,” Renjun admitted, still glaring at everyone, “But I don’t want to live like this anymore.”

 

“Why can’t we just talk to hyung?” Jisung piped up. At everyone’s incredulous looks, he continued with a roll of his eyes, “Why don’t we talk to him about everything? About how weird we feel now that he’s back and how we don’t know what to do around him? Maybe that might help instead of just arguing amongst ourselves.”

 

Donghyuck smirked, “The maknae is actually making sense for once, go figure.”

 

“And what do you want to say,” Jeno challenged. “That we want to kick him out of the group? Because I don’t think that’s going to go over well.”

 

Chenle stomped his foot, drawing all attention to himself. “Can’t we stop saying that? Why do we have to kick him out? Why can’t we just make sure he’s happy with us?”

 

“Because he isn’t,” Renjun insisted, looking at Chenle with an imploring gaze. “You know he isn’t.”

 

Jeno opened his mouth to say something, but a shaking voice spoke up from behind him. 

 

“Who said I was unhappy?” Jaemin asked, standing against the open doorway. He looked like he could barely stand, leaning heavily against the wall, his entire body shaking. He pushed away from the wall and took a trembling step towards Renjun, who stood frozen in the center of the roof. 

 

“Who said I was unhappy?” Jaemin asked once more, tears starting to roll down his cheeks. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, it seems as though the long awaited conversation is finally here! tell me what you think is going to happen! i'm excited to see if any of you get close... ;)
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this chapter and i'll do my best to update asap! no promises, but there might be something up tomorrow! if it isn't up by tomorrow, i probably won't be able to update until next weekend! please don't be too mad at me! :) xx


	8. puppy piles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rooftop conversations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so! another chapter!
> 
> there's an argument and a long awaited confrontation! there is a little bit of language - i mean they're mad, what can i say? still, if that bothers you, i'm sorry :/
> 
> also, there are like hints of a panic attack??? like it's nothing specific nor is it stated that it is but jaemin kinda shows some signs of it in this chapter so i just wanna make sure you guys are aware!! be careful if that bothers you!
> 
> i hope you enjoy! ;) xx

 

 

Jaemin woke with a start, an uneasy feeling trickling over him. He shivered as he noticed the warm bodies beside him had vanished, leaving him drowsy and confused and alone. 

 

He sat up with a small yawn, the blanket pooling over his waist. The movie was still playing, meaning he hadn’t been asleep for too long. The others were missing, he noticed as he looked around the room in bewilderment. He hadn’t even noticed them leave because he had been so tired and comfortable with Jisung and Chenle.

 

Jaemin wasn’t surprised that they were gone when he woke up because he didn’t expect them to stay and sleep with him on a small and an uncomfortable-for-a-long-time couch. However, he was disappointed that they had vanished so quickly. Did they just want to get rid of him? Is that why they left the second he fell asleep, the second they didn’t have to spend any more time with him?

 

He shook his head, trying to dislodge the intruding thoughts. That wasn’t true, that couldn’t be true. They weren’t that cruel, were they?

 

Stifling another yawn, Jaemin crawled out of the mess of blankets and stood up, blinking blearily at the softly playing television. It was his favorite movie and they were his favorite people. But now he was alone and the movie wasn’t enough to fill the gaping hole of loneliness in his chest - it wasn’t enough when he was on break either. 

 

He stumbled across the room in order to turn off the movie, accidentally bumping his knee into the coffee table painfully. With a silent curse, he leaned down to rub at his knee soothingly, noticing how his back twinged at the movement. 

 

“I can’t win, can I?” Jaemin mused, straightening gently in an attempt to not jostle his already aching back. Although it often bothered him when he woke up in the morning or after a long dance practice, it wasn’t nearly as bad as it was during those hellish few months. At least he had company, even though it wasn’t the company he wanted. 

 

With a click, the movie shut off, the sound disappearing in a second, leaving an eerie silence in its wake. The only light now came from the window, a pale light coming from the streetlights below. It wasn’t nearly enough to see properly, but Jaemin forced himself to hobble through the room, slowly in order to avoid further collisions. 

 

He flicked the hall light on, immediately scrunching his eyes closed as the room was bathed in a light that was way too bright for his unadjusted eyes. He slowly opened his eyes, his face comically crumpled as he adapted to the change.

 

Jaemin went through the rooms, hoping to at least get an explanation for their disappearance. He felt anxiety curling in his chest as the thought of the others leaving like that, with no reason and no note and no nothing. What if something was wrong?

 

As he went into empty rooms, one right after the other, he started getting more and more worried. Quickly, he ran towards the remaining rooms, including the bathroom and the kitchen, throwing open the doors desperately. Nothing, nothing, nothing.

 

A whimper escaped him, his hands clenched together as his sides as he spun around the center of the hall, thinking frantically about where they could have gone. His breath was coming a little faster, all sorts of horrible scenarios popping into his overactive imagination.

 

(Later, Jaemin would look back on this and snort at his dramatic reaction. He attributed the panic to his lack of sleep and just overall jumble of emotions.)

 

At that moment, however, standing alone in the hall of a seven-person dorm at 10 p.m., Jaemin was freaking out. He double-checked all the rooms, hoping against hope that he had missed something. 

 

It was reminding him, a little too much, of that cold and empty dorm he stayed in while the other trainees were off at practice. He was confined to a bed in a small and lonely room in a large and vacant dorm, with no one to distract him from his thoughts. Even though watching videos of his (former) members only lead to more pain, it was all he could do. Over and over, for months. 

 

Jaemin, remembering the wonders of technology, grabbed his phone quickly. As he called Jeno, the first person he could think of, he paced around the room, listening to the beep of his phone. His blood turned to ice when a phone started ringing from the other couch and he lunged for it, pulling out Jeno’s phone from behind the cushions. 

 

He stared at it, dumbstruck, as his own phone went to voicemail. Jaemin managed to gather his thoughts enough to cancel the action, still confused at the discovery. However, a small inkling of hope swirled in his chest. 

 

“Okay, think,” he whispered to himself, pulling his hair, “where could they go without their phones?”

 

Not the park, not at this time of night. Not the corner store either, they already had food. Not to the other dorm, because it was too late to do so and they normally didn’t go without good reason anyway. Not to the studio because their dance teacher had banned them until practice tomorrow afternoon. 

 

“The roof!” Jaemin gasped, scrambling off the couch once more. He ran towards the kitchen, which had a small door that was connected to a ladder which lead to the roof. Jaemin had spent a lot of time up there before he had left, drawn to the relative quiet above a noisy city. His feet still remembered the way and his hands still remembered the rungs of the ladder, allowing to clamber up quite quickly.

 

Jaemin, just as he was pulling himself up the final couple meters, froze at the sound of voices, clinging to the ladder. He breathed out a sigh of relief at the discovery, feeling a weight fall off of his shoulders. 

 

However, the relief was replaced by ice as Jaemin registered the words being spoken. The voices floated over to him, as though carried by a summer breeze. 

 

“--I don’t want to live like this anymore.” 

 

Was that Renjun? What did he mean?

 

Jaemin was so wrapped up in trying to understand what Renjun meant in that confusing sentence that he almost missed the end of Jisung’s. 

 

“Why don’t we talk to him about everything? About how weird we feel now that he’s back and how we don’t know what to do around him? Maybe that might help instead of just arguing amongst ourselves.”

 

They were arguing? Because of him? The revelation made his heart pound, tears prickling at his eyes. He never wanted to cause a problem. He just wanted his friends back. 

 

“And what do you want to say? That we want to kick him out of the group? Because I don’t think--”

 

Jaemin gasped audibly, feeling as though he had been struck. His head was spinning wildly and his hands were getting slippery on the metal of the ladder. It felt as though one small gust of wind would blow him away.

 

They wanted to kick him out? They wanted him to leave?

 

“--do we have to kick him out? Why can’t we just make sure he’s happy with us?”

 

Happy? All he wanted was to rejoin the group. He was happier than he had been for months. 

 

“Because he isn’t. You know he isn’t.”

 

Jaemin couldn’t take it anymore, the last sentence forced him to climb up to the end of the ladder. Grabbing at the wall, he stumbled forward into the doorway, facing the scene in front of him. The Dreamies were all scattered: Jeno and Renjun were facing each other, glaring, and Mark and Donghyuck were leaning against the opposite wall, looking tense and unhappy. The maknaes were hidden from his sight, but Jaemin knew they were there because he heard their voices. 

 

Jeno opened his mouth to say something, but Jaemin interrupted him with a shaking voice. 

 

“Who said I was unhappy?” Jaemin asked, his voice breaking. He clutched the doorway as though it were all that was holding him up, as though it was his lifeline. He felt that, if he let it go, he would fall down, straight through the roof and directly into another nightmare.

 

Still, although his entire body was trembling, the boys standing in front of him in shock were more important. Jaemin took a small step forward, swaying slightly. His head felt a little fuzzy, as though he was underwater and slowly drowning.

 

No one responded, still too surprised at his sudden appearance. Chenle poked his head out from behind Mark’s shoulder, his eyes wide and guilty.

 

“Who said I was unhappy?” Jaemin asked once more, tears finally starting to roll down his cheeks. 

  
  


-

  
  


Jeno was shocked at Jaemin’s appearance, the words he’d been about to say catching in his throat. The younger boy looked like a mess, nothing like what he looked when they left him sleeping peacefully on the couch. His eyes were red and shiny and his lips were bitten, his face pale and sad. He looked like he had aged years in minutes, as though he had just gotten out of a war. 

 

‘This wasn’t supposed to happen,’ Jeno thought, exchanging a startled look with Donghyuck, who seemed guilty and worried. 

 

“Hyung,” Jisung started, coming out from behind Mark. He stopped as soon as he saw Jaemin, as soon as he saw the tears running down his face. The maknae tried to say something again, but he could only open and close his mouth, eyes wide and concerned. 

 

Jaemin shook his head, trembling visibly. “Who said I was unhappy?” 

 

It was the third time he’d said it and his voice already sounded so much weaker than before. He looked like he was falling apart right in front of them.

 

Jeno, although he was worried, couldn’t find the words to say anything. He didn’t know what to say.

 

Mark, as the oldest and most responsible, seemed to have found his voice at Jaemin’s desperate questioning. He stepped forward a little, getting closer to the younger boy who looked so very small and so very alone. Mark froze as soon as Jaemin flinched, his expression wounded at the rejection. 

 

Still, their leader persisted. “Jaeminie, we didn’t mean it like that. If you just listen to us, we can clear this up.”

 

Jaemin suddenly laughed, sounding choked up. He backed up from Mark, still giggling slightly, shaking his head in denial. He looked like he was about to collapse, like he could barely stand.

 

“Jaemin-ah, you need to calm down,” Donghyuck pleaded, reaching out to grasp Jaemin’s hands with a hesitant smile. Jaemin rejected him by pulling away, causing the older boy to withdraw with a worried look to Mark.

 

“I need to calm down?” Jaemin questioned, his voice thick. “I wake up and everyone’s gone. I run around the dorms at 10 fucking p.m. looking for you! I’m panicking because you guys vanished but then I remember about the roof.” Here, he paused and swallowed, tears slipping down his cheeks once more. “And I hear you, my members, talking about kicking me out of the group?”

 

“Jaemin, that’s not what I meant,” Renjun begged, trying to catch Jaemin’s gaze but the younger boy refused to look at him. “Please, let me just explain--”

 

“Explain? What could you possibly have to explain?” Jaemin responded, angry and desperate and hurting, backing himself up against the wall. He was breathing erratically, his eyes darting around the members. 

 

Chenle, tears in his own eyes, tried to speak up. “Hyung, please, it came out wrong. I don’t agree with Ge, but he only wants to keep you safe. He doesn’t want you to hurt your back again.”

 

“Again? That’s rich,” Jaemin snapped, his eyes suddenly locking onto the younger boy. “The pain never went away, it never magically healed, I didn’t miraculously recover. I spent hours in the practice room, watching your fucking practice videos and doing your dances and trying to learn them while ignoring how much everything hurt! I didn’t come back because I’m okay, I came back because I learned how to live with it.”

 

“Hyung, why didn’t you--” 

 

Jaemin cut Chenle off a second later, “Because I knew you’d treat me like glass. I’ve had enough of that! I’m not gonna fall apart just because it hurts, I’m not gonna leave because of a little pain. I just wanted you guys to act normal,” he stopped here to wipe his eyes, his words caught on his tears.

 

Jeno couldn’t breathe. He was staring at his best friend who was struggling to breathe in front of him and found he couldn’t do it either. He wanted to do something, to comfort him in some way, but he felt frozen, his feet glued to the floor. He thought he was witnessing a trainwreck in action, feeling so utterly useless. 

 

“You should have told us,” Jisung whispered, looking accusingly at his hyung. “You should have told us it hurt. We could have helped!”

 

“I didn’t want you to help,” Jaemin retorted. “I just wanted to go back to how things were. And, besides, you didn’t tell me you thought this either.”

 

Donghyuck stepped forward into the conversation, attempting to salvage it. “I admit we all made mistakes, but we can talk about it now, can’t we? Come on, Jaemin, please sit down and talk to us.”

 

“Why do I have to be the one to talk?” Jaemin asked, “Why do I have to be the one to always fix things? Why is it always me, only me?”

 

Donghyuck shook his head, “That’s not what I meant. We’re all gonna talk about it.”

 

“You guys seem to be saying a lot of things you don’t mean,” Jaemin muttered, turning away from the older boy, still shaking against the wall. He was looking worse and worse. 

 

“Then why don’t you tell us?” Jeno heard himself saying. “Why don’t you convince us you want to stay here?”

 

After that sentence, Jeno was cursing himself. He finally managed to get himself together and he said something like that. He didn’t want to attack Jaemin, but it seemed like he was only making mistakes these days.

 

The air seemed tight, like someone was drawing a noose around his neck. Jeno could feel the others glaring at him, but he could only focus on Jaemin. Jaemin who seemed to have lost all strength, Jaemin who was sliding down to sit on the ground, Jaemin who was still shaking and crying in front of him. Jaemin, Jaemin, Jaemin.

 

“I have to convince you?” Jaemin whispered after a long silence, his voice so quiet they could barely hear him.

 

“Jeno didn’t mean that,” Renjun said, jumping in to try to save the situation before it completely dissolved. 

 

“Why do I need to convince you?” Jaemin asked, seeming to totally ignore Renjun’s interruption. It seemed like he was completely lost in his mind. “Wasn’t coming back enough? Wasn’t that enough?”

 

Jeno again heard his own voice, but he felt like he stuck in someone else’s body, no control over his own mouth. “You haven’t really tried to become friends with us. Not after you came back.”

 

“But why do I need to try?” Jaemin looked up at him, finally meeting his gaze with teary eyes. “Why do I always have to be the one doing that? I did try, I swear,” he denied, almost begging. “I made the foods you guys liked and watched what you guys wanted and didn’t interrupt your conversations and tried to stay out of your way. Isn’t that enough?”

 

Jaemin’s voice was wavering so bad towards the end of it that Jeno hardly understood him. Something inside him was roaring, some stupid anger that he held for some stupid reason. He didn’t know why he was saying these things because he was only making it worse. He couldn’t stop.

 

“That’s the problem,” Jeno snapped, suddenly angry at the boy on the ground in front of him. “You’re acting like you have to fucking please us or something and it’s pissing me off!”

 

“What am I supposed to do then?” Jaemin answered, angrier than before.

 

“Act normal! Act how you did before!”

 

“How am I supposed to act like I did before when you all changed? You guys are all different and put together and I don’t know what to do or where I fit or how to make a place for myself! What’s normal if you guys are different? What’s normal between strangers?” 

 

Jeno saw red. “What do you mean ‘strangers’? Do months of friendship mean nothing to you?”

 

“They mean everything,” Jaemin responded, quiet. “They’re what kept me going through months of recovery.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

 

“What should I have told you? ‘Hey, listen, Jeno, I know I’m back after a couple of months trying to leech off of your success, but I might need even more help because my back hurts’? Everyone hurts,” Jaemin scoffed, laughing derisively in the sudden silence on the roof. 

 

Time seemed to stop.

 

The Dreamies were suddenly frozen, watching the boy sitting on the floor. Renjun had his hands over his mouth, tears in his eyes. Donghyuck had turned away with his jaw clenched, eyes shiny. Chenle had latched onto Mark, both of them shaking slightly. Jisung stood alone, his mouth open in shock. And Jeno… Jeno responded.

 

“What do you mean ‘leech off of your success’?” He whispered, hoping that he misheard Jaemin’s words.

 

Jaemin shook his head, “Don’t act like you don’t know. I came back after you guys won a lot of awards, after you did the hard work. I’m just here to reap the benefits that I didn’t earn and it’s not fair to any of you.”

 

“You don’t think that, right? You don’t really think that,” Jisung begged, his heart arrested in his chest. 

 

“It’s the truth,” the older boy maintained, closing his eyes and leaning his head against the wall.

 

Chenle suddenly wailed, his loud voice echoing through the roof as he began to cry in earnest. He pushed Mark away and lurched towards Jaemin, dropping to his knees in front of him. The younger boy looked at him, stumbling over his words as he kept crying more and more. Jeno watched, motionless, as Jaemin’s eyes widened in worry and he quickly gathered the crying boy into his arms, shushing him soothingly. (It was funny, almost, how quickly Jaemin gathered himself whenever someone needed him more.) 

 

The rooftop was quiet, the only sound being Jaemin’s soft voice as he attempted to comfort a desolate Chenle. The younger boy wouldn’t stop crying and mumbling sorries over and over, clutching at Jaemin’s shirt desperately. 

 

Jisung jerked himself out of his head and shyly approached the two boys on the floor, his own tears beginning to fall swiftly. Jaemin, noticing his appearance, sent him a sad smile and gently offered a hand. Jisung, given approval, immediately fell into Jaemin’s arms as well, both younger boys a crying mess in seconds.

 

Donghyuck was the next to approach, sitting down next to Jaemin on the floor. He offered the younger boy a teary apology and was quickly pulled into the big pile of bodies on the floor. 

 

Mark hesitated as he glanced over at the other two boys. He gently reached out and grabbed Renjun’s hand, squeezing it comfortingly when the younger boy turned to him in surprise. He tenderly urged him forward, tugging him until he began to walk on his own. Mark sent Renjun to the group on the floor, watching sadly as he was accepted immediately. 

 

“I--” Jeno faltered, looking up at his leader. 

 

“Come on,” Mark pressed, reaching out his hand, “let’s join them.”

 

Jeno, worriedly glancing at Jaemin, buried under a pile of bodies, was easily convinced as Mark murmured some words of comfort to him. He accepted his hyung’s hand and let him lead him to the others.

 

As they all settled onto the floor, nothing was resolved. They still had a million problems to deal with and a thousand apologies to make. They were still mad at each other and hurt by some of the things that were said. They still had a lot to discuss, a lot to work through. 

 

But now, tonight, they were all tired and sad. The ground was uncomfortable and the wind was getting a little chilly, but they were warm together.

 

Everything, for the first time in forever, felt okay.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the long awaited confrontation? which is half complete?? y'all must be pissed i keep dragging this fic out lol... ;)
> 
> honestly, if y'all don't mind, i wanna take a quick poll?   
> do you think the pacing of this fic is too slow? like should i just make it happen or is it fine like this?? i can't decide for myself because this is how it's coming out - real slow and painful 
> 
> hopefully the slow pace isn't boring, because i'm lowkey terrified that's gonna happen lol :')
> 
> anyways, i hope you enjoyed it!! let me know what you thought! :) xx
> 
> (be warned i might not be able to update until next weekend - sorry!)


	9. intermission - mark's guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mark is the leader. he's responsible for the wellbeing on his members. and with jaemin's injury? well he can't help but feel that he failed.
> 
> (we get a sneak peek into mark's inner thoughts regarding the whole situation. the full confrontation, unfortunately, hasn't happened yet.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY IT'S BEEN SO LONG
> 
> i kind of lost inspiration for this fic? and that's horrible to say but it's the truth. i didn't know how to write the confrontation and i still don't. this is kind of a place holder and an apology and a character study all rolled into one?
> 
> there really is nothing to say other than i'm really sorry and i don't know how to apologize because it was unforgivable for me to go this long without an update. i hope you guys accept this as a worthy sacrifice and i actually promise this time (like i set a couple reminders and everything) to get out a chapter quickly!
> 
> as always, i hope you enjoy the chapter and please let me know what you think at the end! :) xx
> 
> -
> 
> chat names!
> 
> "is this the real life? or is this just a dream?"
> 
> oh cap'n my cap'n - mark  
> maknae swag - jisung  
> crazy rich asian - chenle  
> glen coco - haechan  
> jeNO - jeno  
> kaREN - renjun  
> jaemin - jaemin (duh)

 

 

Mark was never meant to be the leader (or any leader for that matter).

 

He wasn’t made for leading, not like Taeyong and Johnny and all the others. He wasn’t made for hard decisions and worrying about people’s opinions and feelings and balancing their careers against their own health. He never wanted to be the one to worry about six other people, agonizing over if they were eating enough or if they were sleeping enough or if they felt okay at the end of a hard day. 

 

When Dream was originally formed, he never expected to be the oldest, the one everyone looked to for guidance and support. When he realized he was, Mark stepped into shoes that seemed too big for his feet even though they supposed to be his. The others all seemed so young, especially the maknaes, and he was so worried about not living up to their expectations, particularly when they looked to him for guidance with stars in their eyes. He didn’t want to be the one who messed up so badly that they lost that childish light.

 

For the first year, he struggled horribly. Although Mark was stuck in three units, drowning in responsibilities and the pressure of a spotlight that felt more like a noose, being in Dream was like a breath of fresh air. He was always expected to be so perfect, to live up to all the expectations that came from being a monster rookie, especially when his older hyungs probably deserved the opportunity more than a sixteen-year-old kid from Canada who couldn’t even speak Korean that fluently yet.

 

Even though Mark felt pressure from his hyungs to be good and to respect them and to portray a good image and to work hard in all groups and to make it on time and to run from schedule to schedule… the pressure seemed to disappear when he was with Dream. The younger boys were so easily excitable, so eager for the opportunity to get their names out into the world and to sing and dance as they’ve dreamed of doing.

 

His worry about being the main backbone disappeared when he met the ‘00 liners. Haechan was so bright and happy and was undeniably the heart of the group, always making their stress go away and pulling jokes from tired smiles. Renjun was angry and mean but also delightfully awkward and capable and ready to work, always helping Chenle when the younger struggled with his translations. Jeno was strong and a good dancer, always smiling his contagious smile and encouraging the others to work a little harder for a little longer. And Jaemin, reliable Jaemin who always seemed to know when Mark couldn’t bear it anymore, was always there with a warm smile and a gentle hand to pull him back up and convince him to continue. 

 

Mark, who was so terrified of being the leader, didn’t need to stand alone at the top because his members were capable of standing there with him. They took responsibilities from his shoulders and organized practices and schedules when his head was spinning too much to keep the numbers straight. (Of course, this was only after the memorable incident in which Chenle was accidentally scheduled to be at three different places at once by a tired Mark fueled by determination and Redbull at 3 in the morning… needless to say, the managers were quite annoyed when the poor boy only showed up to the first event. After that, Renjun and Jeno looked over all of the schedules to make sure Mark hadn’t missed anything.)

 

Honestly, thinking back, this might have been where everything started going wrong. Mark had been so worried about not being a good leader and then so glad about not having to be the perfect leader that he completely disregarded his duties. Taeyong would always check on the members, at least once a week, to be sure that they weren’t injured or stressed or sick. Mark had started doing the same, but completely lost track of time when his schedules increased. He barely had time to breathe, let alone think about the others. 

 

In fact, not only was he too tired to notice how they were feeling, but what they were doing as well. The Dreamies took advantage of this to try to make things easier for him. They checked on each other and made sure the schedules were okay and that everyone was home at a responsible time, taking the weight from Mark’s shoulders. Although there was nothing wrong with leaning on others for help, Mark completely forgot how to stand at the top by himself.

 

Everything came to a head when Jaemin vanished. 

 

It was a whirlwind of tears, confusion, and shouting. Renjun was angry, his voice red and loud as he tried to get more information from the managers who were steadfast in their silence. Jeno and Haechan were alternating between pacing the room and comforting the two maknaes. And Mark, the so-called leader who was praised for his maturity, was sitting frozen in the middle of the room, trying to pinpoint where it all went wrong.

 

How hadn’t he noticed? How had he let it get to that point?

 

Mark had never hated himself more than when he realized he prioritized himself over his members, prioritized his sleep more than their health. He hadn’t realized that Jaemin was pale during dance practices, that it took him longer and longer to get out of bed, that he was quieter and more subdued during the evenings.

 

He had become the very thing he was terrified of becoming - an inefficient leader, a useless figurehead who couldn’t be counted on for anything but looking pretty. And maybe that was a little dramatic, but Mark figured he could afford a little dramatizing when one of his members was injured to the point of being unable to perform. 

 

Mark hated the silent looks that came from the hyungs, the judging that they never voiced but he knew they thought. ‘Why weren’t you a better leader?’ Their eyes seemed to ask, accusing him of negligence and other crimes. No one ever said a word to his face but it was obvious, the way they looked at him carefully, as though he was a ticking time bomb seconds from exploding.

 

Perhaps all of these nasty glances were made up, but Mark couldn’t help but set his intrusive thoughts on their faces, giving his fears a life of their own. Even when the hyungs came to help, bearing food and movies and wavering smiles in an effort to cheer up the despondent Dreamies in the days after the event, Mark still felt as though everyone was blaming him. 

 

‘Why didn’t you notice? Why did you let it get this far? Did you not care? How selfish can you be? Are you a good enough leader?’

 

These thoughts swirled around his mind at the worst times, when he was in the shower with the water punishingly hot or when he was lying awake in bed at 3 a.m. with tears streaming down his face. He couldn’t seem to get rid of the guilt that settled around him like a second skin, the shame that he felt every time he looked in the mirror at the empty spot where his biggest mistake should stand.

 

That wasn’t nice to think - that Jaemin was his biggest mistake. The younger boy was always so much more to him, like a friend, an advisor, a strong support that would lie awake next to him at night when his mind just wouldn’t shut up. But, in a way, he was also his most consequential blunder because it Mark’s inability to spot problems led to one of his best friends getting so injured that he couldn’t continue to dance.

 

Mark learned to live with the guilt in a way that was decidedly unhealthy. He took the shame that crept along his skin and made it into a coat that he wore over himself, that he saw every time he looked in the mirror. He used his guilt as a weapon, hiding it in the space between his lyrics or using it as a stepping stone in their dances. 

 

Because he couldn’t bear to feel the guilt, he made it a part of himself until he wasn’t sure where it stopped and he began. He replaced Jaemin with hard work, pretending he could hear his voice among the choruses in their newer songs and that the shadow in the corner of his eye was Jaemin. If he ignored the past, he could learn to live for the future, where he would no longer have to pretend.

 

So Mark took over leadership with a vengeance. He watched Taeyong’s actions and mimicked them. He began to ask his members if they were all right, to organize bonding days and family meetings, to create schedules which would give them enough time to rest and recover. He couldn’t bear to lose anyone else due to his negligence.

 

However, his carefully built facade came tumbling down when Jaemin reappeared.

 

Even though all Mark wanted was for the younger to come back and to join them, it was difficult to take off the metaphorical jacket which he had made as a replacement. Jaemin was, in many ways, the personification of Mark’s guilt. The older didn’t know how to let go of the guilt that was choking his throat when he saw the younger, so he bit his tongue and let others lead the conversations.

 

It was difficult to explain, the feelings tumbling inside Mark when he saw Jaemin. It was a strange melting pot of guilt and shame, thrown in with longing and happiness and love. It was like accidentally deleting one of your favorite songs, rewriting it into something new and great and perfect, and then finding the older version once again. Which one do you go with? The one you loved or the one you now love?

 

Mark would never want Jaemin to leave, not when he knew how sad that made the younger boy. Sometimes, in the moments between dances, when they were all breathing hard with their hands on their knees, Mark looked to the mirror and saw Jaemin’s face twisted with pain. The expression always melted into a smile when the pink haired boy noticed his gaze, but the look was unforgettable.

 

When he first saw the look, Mark was ashamed to admit that his first thought was a timer. As though the clock was ticking down once more, as though Jaemin would disappear if he looked away for five minutes. 

 

So he went to the managers and spoke with them. It might have been a mistake.

 

(But, then again, it seems as though Mark has only been making mistakes these days.)

 

-

 

_ “Manager-hyung?” Mark called out after practice ended, jogging to catch up with the older man. “Can I speak with you real fast?” _

 

_ Jaegeun turned around, examining the boy with a critical stare. “Is everything alright?” _

 

_ Mark nodded quickly, avoiding the searching gaze. “Yes, I just had some questions, that’s all.” _

 

_ Although he still looked worried, Jaegeun ushered Mark into a nearby room in order to gain some privacy for their conversation. There were a million and one scenarios swirling around the older man’s head, almost all of them involving the status of the group now that their wayward member had returned. There were bound to be some growing pains. _

 

_ Mark hesitated once the door had closed, looking slightly apprehensive.  _

 

_ As the silence stretched over the minutes, Jaegeun turned to sit down. He wouldn’t force the younger boy to spit it out, knowing that it would be better to allow Mark some time for contemplation. _

 

_ “Hyung?” _

 

_ “Speak freely, Mark. This conversation won’t hold any consequences.” Jaegeun urged, trying to put him at ease.  _

 

_ Mark still avoided his gaze, but managed to gain enough composure to straighten his spine out and begin the conversation. _

 

_ “Is Jaemin ready to return?” _

 

_ Of all the questions Jaegeun expected to receive, that was definitely not one of them. His confusion was clearly seen as he stammered while searching for an acceptable answer.  _

 

_ Mark tried to backtrack. “I mean, I know he’s already back, but I was wondering if he’s ready for it? I know that he has been cleared by the doctors but he still looks like he’s in pain while he’s dancing sometimes. I want him to be here, but I don’t want him to hurt himself. So I guess I’m wondering is… Should he be back?” _

 

_ The manager blinked, trying to process the words tripping out of Mark’s mouth. He raised his hand to stop the stream of apologies and closed his eyes for a second to think about how to best answer the difficult question. _

 

_ “Well,” Jaegeun began, hesitantly, “I’m sure you know that Jaemin was seriously injured when he had to leave. He had to go through several months of physical therapy and doctor’s visits in order to regain the ability to dance for long enough to consider returning.” _

 

_ Mark, nervous and overexcited, interrupted. “But is it enough?” _

_ “I was getting to that,” Jaegeun scolded with a stern look. “Jaemin’s back was seriously injured, and I can’t stress that enough. This isn’t an injury which goes quickly. It is possible that it will always bother him to some extent, but he has been cleared by doctors to return to work.” _

 

_ Mark still looked frustrated. “I know… But is it a good idea?” _

 

_ “Are you saying you want Jaemin to go on another leave of absence?” _

 

_ “If it would help him, then yes! I just want him to get better.” _

 

_ Jaegeun took a deep breath, wondering how he could explain the company’s stern policies to a teenager who just wanted his friend to feel better. He decided to go with the straightforward route, the one that would hurt the most but would also be the most honest. _

 

_ “Mark, I’m not sure how to explain this, but Jaemin can’t go on another break. The company prides itself on taking good care of its artists. If one of our members, especially a younger one, were to go on another break for the same injury, it would look as though we didn’t make sure of his health before allowing him back. This would reflect badly on the company and cause us to lose some of our support.” _

 

_ “But if his injury gets worse,” Mark tried to protest, looking stricken. _

 

_ “If it gets to the point where he can no longer continue,” Jaegeun said, “then we will have no choice but to cut Jaemin from the group. He will not get another chance.” _

 

-

 

Mark still remembered the silence that blanketed the room after that statement. It felt as though a tidal wave had just crashed into him, slamming him with the shock accompanied by icy water. 

 

He hadn’t realized that company policy regarding injuries was that strict, that unforgiving. If this truly was Jaemin’s last chance, then it would be Dream’s last chance as well. Mark would do everything in his power to make sure that Jaemin felt comfortable with them and stayed to live out his dream.

 

Therefore, he began to change his actions in small but meaningful ways. The guilt still wrapped around him like a second skin, but Jaemin’s presence helped it unravel until Mark felt as though he could breathe amid the pressure. 

 

Their conversations were still stilted and short, but they were there. It was difficult to pick up a friendship from the ground when it was covered in dust from time, but Mark was persistent and made sure to begin cleaning that friendship until it could one day be new and strong once more.

 

However, once again, Mark was so caught up in his thoughts that he failed to see the other’s struggling with the change as well. He didn’t see the way Renjun’s eyes narrowed every single time Jaemin stumbled or how Jeno flinched away from Jaemin’s voice when it rang through the dorm. 

 

There were cracks in their ranks, quickly expanding until the whole group felt fractured, divided. Jaemin used to be the glue that held them together; now, it seemed that he might be that which unraveled them.

  
  


-

  
  


**is this the real life? or is this just a dream?**

**[ 7 members ]**

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n has added jaemin to the chat**

 

**jaemin:** what’s this?

 

**jaemin:** another group chat to which no one added me?

 

**glen coco:** it was our group chat while you were gone

 

**glen coco:** we wanted to add you, it’s just we needed some place to talk freely

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** and now you’re here because we realized we need to fix our communication problems

 

**crazy rich asian:** i’ve been saying that for months now

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** i know, chenle, and i’m sorry

 

**jaemin:** so you’ve just been using this for months? for what?

 

**jaemin:** to laugh about me behind my back? to talk about kicking me out?

 

**glen coco:** NO

 

**glen coco:** it was actually to talk about how to act around you now that you had returned

 

**jeNO:** it was difficult to adjust to it

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** and we all made mistakes

 

**crazy rich asian:** which we could have avoided

 

**maknae swag:** and what do we do now?

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** we clear the air

 

**jaemin:** about how you want to kick me out?

 

**jeNO:** i never wanted you to leave the group

 

**jaemin:** that’s not what you said last night on the rooftop

 

**glen coco:** shouldn’t we do this out loud?

 

**maknae swag:** i’m fine with whatever makes hyung comfortable

 

**crazy rich asian:** me too

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** what do you say jaemin?

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** out loud or through chat?

 

**jaemin:** can we do this out loud?

 

**jaemin:** i don’t know if i can stare at this screen again

 

**jaemin:** i did enough of that during my vacation

 

**glen coco:** don’t call it a vacation

 

**jaemin:** that’s what it was

 

**crazy rich asian:** vacations don’t include therapy

 

**jeNO:** guys, out loud?

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** that’s right

 

**oh cap’n my cap’n:** let’s go to the living room guys

 

**glen coco:** i’ll grab some blankets and tissues

 

**maknae swag:** tissues?

 

**glen coco:** i don’t know about you, swag boy, but i think i’m going to bawl like a baby

 

**jaemin:** yea good idea

 

**jaemin:** this won’t be fun

 

**crazy rich asian:** but necessary

  
  


-

  
  


**new chat**

**[ 2 members ]**

 

**mark:** Manager-hyung, is it okay if we miss morning practice today?

 

**mark:** There are some things we need to talk about as a group.

 

**Jaegeun:** This has been a long time coming.

 

**Jaegeun:** Take all of today to discuss it. Just make sure that you come in tomorrow, all of you, as a group. We don’t have any more time to waste.

 

**mark:** I understand. Thank you so much hyung!

  
  


-

  
  


The members of Dream were all sprawled through the room. Renjun was still sitting separate from everyone, although Jeno was noticeably closer than he was before. Chenle and Jisung were sitting almost on top of each other on the couch, while Donghyuck was sitting on the floor next to Mark’s feet. Ironically, they were all facing Jaemin, who had claimed the other couch and no one dared challenge it. 

 

The air was buzzing with anticipation, with the unspoken words of the past six months just rearing to come out into the open. 

 

There would be no more mistakes, only honesty. It was time for Dream to repair itself.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so.... that's that??? i hope it wasn't too bad just because i know i'm really dragging this fic out! i just can't figure out how to write the confrontation... but, don't worry! i have a few ideas that are currently in the works! i promise it will be out in the coming weeks.
> 
> -
> 
> ALSO do i have any ikonics here with me? do you guys know about the drug scandal? it's, in my opinion, absolutely ridiculous and i am 100% behind ikon and hanbin! thoughts don't equal actions and he shouldn't be punished for his honesty! i will stand behind him and i urge all of you to do the same! sign the petition at change.org and tweet at yg that we aren't happy with their decision!
> 
> hanbin wrote so many incredible, award winning songs and he doesn't deserve to lose all of that because of a mistake from 3 years ago! he has undoubtedly learned from that experience and i believe that we need to stand behind the person that he is today and support him and the group during this difficult time!
> 
> ot7 for the win! ikonics stand with hanbin! xx

**Author's Note:**

> please, let me know what you think!
> 
> i wanted to do a texting fic but also tackle jaemin's feelings with returning after a long time? i dont know if it will fit well together, so please give me some feedback! 
> 
> xx


End file.
